Fruit Fly Shenanigans

When I was younger-- early elementary school ish-- I had a fruit fly incident. My neighbor and I were innocently jumping on her awesome giant trampoline (commonly referred to as the "tramp" which now has some serious comedic value...), squealing and trying to out-do each other with parent-approved acrobatic tricks.

For some reason that I can't recall, said neighbor girl went into her house for a brief minute and I joyfully embraced the opportunity to have the whole tramp (hehe) all to myself. I jumped and twirled and did back drops, seat drops, donkey kicks, everything I could imagine except for the forbidden flip. All of the sudden my bliss was rudely interrupted by a loud noise in one ear. I stopped dead between jumps and waited for something (what? beats me) to happen. Out of nowhere an insanely loud BUZZING rattled my brain. I grabbed the side of my head and shrieked. I dug my finger into my ear trying to get whatever was buzzing OUT.

I continued this psychotic behavior as I haphazardly ran home-- screaming and slapping my ear all the way, playing the part of the neighborhood basket case who'd finally flown off the deep end. I quickly got to my house and by the grace of God alone and mom-super-powers, my mom was able to figure out what happened amidst the shouts, tears, ear slapping, and overall terror I presented her with. She quickly sent me to my room. Seriously? I was in the midst of serious trauma and I'm getting punished? Yep. I later learned that this was so she could call the doctor's office to figure out a game plan. My sister was a bystander in the commotion and thought my mom had HIT me and that's why I was holding my ear and bawling. The mayhem of it all! All this time that damned fruit fly kept buzzing away intermittently. There was no rhythm, no predictability, nothing. Out of the blue all of the sudden BUZZ. It scared me spitless every time and instigated a whole new fit of tears and hysteria.

In the haze of memory, I don't recall the drive to the doctor's office or how my mom tolerated my behavior whilst driving. I remember finally being in the exam room and the doctor essentially squirt-gunning the little devil out of my poor ear canal. I remember them counting the legs and wings to make sure they got it all. So gross. Needless to say, I have a bit of a grudge towards the pesky little flies.

All this is a major contributing factor to my fury towards the fruit flies that are overtaking my apartment. They are SWARMING. I have a bad habit of leaving the cupboards open, and the other day I realized "ew, I should close them so these damn flies don't go in." Too late. The next morning I opened one only to see a bunch of them fly out of it. IT IS SO GROSS. I have many a dishes that need a washing, and I'm pretty sure that's why the damn flies are here anyway, but I can't wash them without creating a swarm of fruit fly fury! I have tried attacking them with a 409 squirt bottle, but can never get enough of them to have a window of safety to wash the damn dishes. I have tried the apple cider vinegar traps and while a few are accumulating (grosser), there are many more that aren't falling for my tricks.

I finally took the garbage out. That was a big step. It was the home base of the enemy. I refused to take the bag out of the can-- the can was pretty sad anyway. On my way home from church last night, I stopped at Target and just bought a new garbage can. This morning I dawned gloves, put my hood up and cinched it tight (ear protection), preparing for battle. I'd placed a trap on top of the garbage can, so I had to first move it first, which was tricky because a few of the little terrors were just sitting on top of the trap. I darted in for the maneuver and a swarm rose and I shrieked and retreated immediately. After a few minutes of staring them down, I crept back in. This time I needed to pull the garbage can away from the wall in order to secure another garbage bag over the top of it for transport to the dumpster. I finally gathered the courage for the task and I accidentally pushed the button to flip open the lid! They came POURING OUT OF THE LID IN MASSES. I swore at them and felt my stomach flip flop. Not a good time for puking, self. I was paralyzed in terror and watched as they just kept coming out of the grotesque can of rubbage. I then realized they would keep coming out of it until I closed the lid again so I darted into shut it. FAIL. IT FLIPPED BACK OPEN. OH MY GOSH THIS IS INSANITY. I went back in for a second attempt and was thankfully successful. I backed away quickly and just watched in horror as the amount of fruit flies seemed to have quadrupled and my progress hadn't budged forward a bit. I had a moment of clarity when I realized the ridiculousness of the situation. After a brief mental pep talk, I went in again- and THE SAME THING HAPPENED. FML. I just started shrieking without stopping, slammed the lid closed, covered it with the garbage bag as the winged heathens swarmed my hooded head and I swear they attacked me. I had visions of cartoons scenes coming true... when all the flies form an arrow and point to their target... With the bag secure I took two seconds to breathe, then quickly ushered the whole thing outside into the (outdoor) hallway. Next-- recylcing. It was right next to the garbage, so while there's no fruit-fly-food, they still took a liking to it. By this point I was in the zone and just went for it-- breaking down boxes and consolidating them to three containers. One by one they went into the hallway too. For whatever reason it felt way safer with the hazardous waste outside my apartment than inside. I still kept gloves on and hood up as I transferred it all to the dumpster.

Next step? Dishes. I still am not sure how to conquer that battle. I seriously want a beekeeper's suit. :/