Couch to 5k

I've never been good at running. I used to be obsessive about it and fit well into the 'average runner' category, but have never been anywhere near good. That's genuinely okay with me. Would being faster and stronger be nice? Of course! However-- the purpose I've always had for running is purely for health/stress relief/(forced)recreation-- never serious competition.

Along the way the 'obsessive' part of it caught up to me and got me a stress fracture in my foot. Running since then has NEVER been the same. Over the past year(s) I've given up on distances and picked up spinning to supplement and eventually replace running. Better some cardio than none-- and let's be real-- spinning is HARD and will kick your ass. But it's a different hard than running-- I could be the best spinner in the world and still struggle with running. As previously stated, I've never been good, but as I no longer can call myself a runner, I miss being able to claim the status and feel legitimate about it.

I moved almost a year ago and switched gyms-- to one that has a sub par spinning program, and even though I kept my old gym membership the good instructors fizzled out there. So for the past 3ish months I've been living a sedentary life and it is humiliating, frustrating, and paralyzing.

While I know in my head that each day I spend abstaining from exercise will only make my (hopefully) eventual return to it that much harder, I cannot make myself engage in regular, intentional exercise to save my life.

Not only do I feel what was once a little muscle getting softer and softer, I just don't feel good. I feel something is missing, I know what it is, and it is frustrating because I can't find the motivation to embrace what I once had made (literally) insanely routine.

Sure I've given it a half hearted try here and there only to be overcome with physical and emotional pain. I might make it through one workout, but am in no way able to muster up the strength, energy, or resilience to do it again the next day or even the day after.

I know that today I can't do what I did in college, and that to have the expectation that I can is impractical. Sure, maybe I could work up to it one day in the far, far future, but today-- it's not happening. Logically I know this is okay, but emotionally as I board the treadmill, I get frustrated and dare I say panicky when I can't run nearly as fast or nearly as far as I used to be able to. The panic builds and not only is my breathing labored from the exercise but the anxiety doubles it and I quit. I quit. I have never been a quitter, but when it comes to exercising, now I quit. Doesn't feel good.

My ability to stay motivated in exercising many moons ago had several layers:
1) Soccer: if I wanted playing time I had to be able to run at varying speeds for 90 minutes straight. I wanted to play, no brainer.
2) Stress relief: in college-- nursing school, captaining a varsity sport, and all the stress that came with that-- exercise was my release. Perhaps that's why I did it so much-- I had that much stress.
3) I'd be dishonest if I denied vanity: exercise helps you keep off unwanted lbs. While I never felt content in this area, I could at least say I was trying.

I long for the pressure of playing soccer to get me to pull myself together. The training sessions in and of themselves were excellent ways to almost 'sneak' in the exercise. Playing a game while running my ass off keeps me distracted from the discomfort of it. That and knowing that 17 of my teammates are all competing for a starting (and lasting) spot-- was awesome.
When I'm not at work I'm not very stressed. After work it's all I can do to haul myself home and shower before I fall asleep. I've intermittently engaged in pre-work exercise since I know I'll be too tired at the end of the day to gym afterward, and it works for short periods. Eventually I tire of waking up at 3:30am.
Again-- honestly-- the vanity issue will always be there. While I am squishier now than I ever wanted to be and probably am closer to chronic health issues than I was when I was exercising, I am at a lower weight (assumedly from less muscle) and I can still squeeze into my clothes (though they do fit more snugly). I fear the extreme change that will have to happen for me to be shocked into reality. Why doesn't fear of morbid obesity, heart disease, diabetes, etc. motivate me to get my act together?

Anyway--

This week I started a 'Couch to 5k' program that I found online. A friend and I are doing it 'together' and the plan is to sign up for a 5k when it's over. A few years ago, I would have signed up for a 5k the day of the race. Now the idea of running in public makes me want to vomit over and over. This whole post really violates unspoken rules I've always set-- to not speak of exercise habits or thoughts until they're solidified... if trying something new, make sure it works before you tell people you're doing it. This program has three workouts per week for 8 or 9 weeks. A few years ago I would have scoffed saying 'Only three workouts per week? PAH!' The other side of the gym isn't pretty and I am ashamed at how I scoffed at those who frequented the gym here and there instead of every day.

I've done two of my three workouts this week, and I won't lie, they're uncomfortable. The only reason I've been able to do them is because it only has me 'jogging' for one minute at a time (hangs head in shame). I hope this one sticks, I really do. I need to get back to some form of exercise in a regular and routine manner if I have any hope of being healthy and being physically able to do things I want to. I live in one of the most beautiful regions ever with so much hiking and outdoorsy potential, but if I can't hoist myself up the mountain I'll miss out. A ridiculously awesome backpacking trip (the Enchantments just outside of Leavenworth-- we went up Aasgard Pass) this summer was spoiled primarily by having the flu (seriously-- fever and everything), but I can't help but wonder even if I'd been healthy would I have enjoyed it as much as I could have? Probably not.

We'll see. Holidays pose extra challenge with all the delicious treats available-- I've always been a sucker for sugar.

When I was an obsessive runner I remember thinking 'I have no idea how I got to this point, so I better not lose it. I don't know how I'd get back.' Here we are, trying to figure it out.

Oh blogosphere-- keep me accountable. :/

Oh hey

This scar is all that remains of the ridiculous hand breaking shenanigan that I last blogged about. I got a cast pretty quickly and within a few days took it off because it was so uncomfortable. After (painfully) wiggling out of it, I had a moment of '....uhoh..' similar to a toddler when they get caught red handed doing something they know they shouldn't, so I (even more painfully) wiggled back into it. After a couple weeks in the cast, the hand MD was (not surprisingly) unimpressed with the healing progress that should've come with the assumed 'immobility' a cast should bring, so they decided to screw the bones into place. Healing was quick from there, and after some awkward hand-massaging PT, I was back in action. There were strange looking casts and splints, really awkward tan lines, and serious boredom as I spent THREE months not working. I decided to make the most of that time and started coaching with a competitive soccer club, went camping (heh), and got Lasik.

Anyway-- it's over a year later and I stumbled upon this blog and thought why not update?

Not exactly sure what to say to be truthful.

As I mentioned I'm coaching again. I'm in my second year with this club, and this year I am coaching the girls' B team (aka Tango) of our U9 Premier Development Academy. When people ask the age of the girls I coach, the most common reaction I get is in a disgusted tone: "Really, 8 and 9 year olds are playing competitively-- premier???" Yes, really. We do emphasize player development over winning-- very sincerely. I think all of my players have an older sibling playing on a premier team in the club, so they just ...get it. There are three teams in the U9 program, and a majority of the girls have an older sibling playing competitively. They're a very unique group as they have seen how to approach the game competitively and with intensity. Believe it or not, they're good for their age. If they could match in attention span what they can offer in talent-- I'd be in high heaven. They're very different from the regional (less competitive/good) U13 team I had last year, but it has honestly been a great learning opportunity and a great way to practice exercising patience.

There's a new (and exponentially better for me) Mr. Wonderful in town. It's only been a few months, so I remain cautiously optimistic, but so far very good. :)

I'd like to get back in the habit of updating slightly more regularly... Heaven knows that there is no shortage on 'are you kidding me?!' moments in my day to day life.