1 mile. YES!

Tuesday morning, after work, I rushed downtown to go to my follow appointment regarding my f-o-o-t, which yes, has become a four-letter-F-word. I was so tired and a teensy bit cranky after a long shift-- a perfect way to walk into an appointment with my FAVORITE orthopaedic doctor. (I'm hoping you pick up on the sarcasm).
To keep it brief:
I was 20 minutes late (I called to let them know.. still disrespectful to be late, I know I know).
MD stumbled in and said "I'm waiting for the nurse to get my notes from last time.."
...he got impatient and then said "What'd we do with you...?"
me: "You booted me"
MD: "Ah boot." (looks for the boot on my leg, which wasn't there as I was instructed to remove it by the nurse). "No more boot then?"
me: "Noo I've been wearing it, it's here."
MD: "Oh you're still in the boot." (enter nurse w/ note which MD reads out loud.)
Heavy sigh "Well, let's re-xray." (Exit MD).

An x-ray tech came, we x-rayed, returned to the exam room. Another 20 minutes. Then MD is walking by and glances in the exam room I'm in (they keep the doors open there-- my theory is that they don't want to rooms to be STUNK UP by the exposed feet.) As he sees I'm there he pokes his head in and says "Your foot is fine," and continued walking. I went to retrieve him from the hallway. That's not a good enough answer for me. So he came into the exam room and explained that there's a small bony callous so I'm healed, re-start activity gradually blah blah blah.

Despite his lack of bed-side manner, I was elated. I would have booked it to the gym right then and there to board the treadmill, but the fact of the matter was I was exhausted and fighting to stay awake! So I put on TWO shoes (I'd brought the other one with me in anticipation of booting the boot) and went home and collapsed. Just before I fell asleep I remembered I had a war to fight with Blue Cross Blue Shield regarding their coverage of my narcolepsy drugs, so I couldn't go to sleep quite yet, but knowing that I was again bi-pedal gave me the energy I needed to fight and win that war. WooHoo.

So today I ventured down to my overcrowded gym. Last week I went at 2am because my sleep schedule is SO messed up and it was awesome. There were maybe 20 people there total, it was essentially deserted. If I had a car, I'd definitely go at the wee hours of the morning more often. But walking to the El at 2am makes me nervous. Maybe now that the Damen stop will be open it won't be so bad. Anyways-- I ran a mile today! Woohoo!. Seven minutes and twenty seconds of bliss. My foot felt fine. Honestly it was numb because of the cold trek from the El... but no pain. Maybe a whisper of a twinge, but I would be a fool to think it'd be a cake walk. I was definitely winded and I could feel the past three weeks in my legs, but any anguish brought by that was balanced with the excitement that I'm doing what I like to do again. I could have gone more than a mile, but I am proud to say that I said "NO," and allowed myself to be content with that. I did a 5 minute walk to warm up, and a 7 minute walk to cool down. I went over to the elliptical and at ten minutes... my vision went black and it sounded like I was underwater and I felt my trachea closing!!! Holy toledo if I am fainting after maybe 20 minutes of cardio, my work is more cut out for me than I anticipated! Geesh! That was weird. I think I'll chalk it up to dehydration, Lord knows I'm nourished enough to withstand 20 minutes of cardio! But I could increase my water intake... and decrease my coffee intake. Whoopsie.

All in all exciting and encouraging. I'm trying to decide if I should do a mile tomorrow or take tomorrow off. I don't think I have the fitness to complete a spinning class right now (how pathetic am I?!?!?!), so that's kinda outta the question. We'll see. I'll probably end up not since I'm working tomorrow night. I miss cardio so much it's ridiculous.

INSOMNIA

between working the night shift and living a very sedentary life, i have developed insomnia. yes-- that is right, from narcolepsy to insomnia, even when off my drugs.
and while it blows not being able to sleep... I've gotten some stuff done. there are finally pictures on the walls of my bedroom.. and i wrote two cards... and okay well that's it, but still at least i did something. it's 5:04am... i woke up 21 hours ago and have only had one cup of coffee. I did, however zonk out for a good three hours after church. I was in a good rhythm with my sleep cycle before this whole night shift thing came up. Shoot.

I need a new planner.

I found an 8k in Washington on January 11th. 8k by January 11th is a very practical and attainable goal, and something that will help me keep my focus as I come off this whole foot thing. It'd be a 3ish hour drive from home. I think it'd be the perfect birthday weekend-- go up and stay there (I found a super cheap townhouse on Craigslist that ISN'T some creepy person renting out a room-- it's a company that does temporary housing...) I could do my run and my family and I could hit up Seattle and peruse. Seeing as how I've been saying for the past 4+ years that if I ever end up settling down, I'll settle in Seattle I think it's only prudent that I actually visit first. We'll see, convincing the potential travel buddies is always the hardest part.

...maybe..

Maybe... it's a good thing that success in running will require me to start super slow for super short distances, because the truth of the matter is, I don't have the fitness to do anything but that. As much as I WANT to go run miles upon miles until the sun goes down, I will feel victorious if I can hit the 1 mile mark without walking. I walked (hoofed) home from the grocery store (I rode the bus THERE, but couldn't bring myself to drop a full $4 for the TRANSPORTATION to/from the venue where I'd just spend more money... along the trek back I realized I should have walked there when my bag was empty as opposed to when it was filled with heavy produce..), and the mile and a half WALK left me winded and sweaty. Humbling. Upsetting. Frustrating. Yet-- oddly comforting. If I felt I had the cardio fitness to run far and fast, I would have an extra hard time sticking to a slow and steady buildup. Somehow it is good to know that no matter how badly I want to run like I used to, I can't... so in other words, I can't screw this up with my neurotic need to go faster for longer.

That, my friends, is how I have to look at it in order to have any good feelings about anything in life.

Tuesday morning (immediately after a night shift...) I venture down to Dr. Does-Nothing-But-Ruin-Lives and pray that he says 'boot-be-gone.' Heaven knows I said it a while ago. suckaaaaaaa. Then I will start to climb Everest. All in a day.

Mountain Climbing???

Whenever I come back to this site, I see that picture of the run leg in Accenture and think 'I cannot wait until I can look like that again.'
This injury has highlighted my vain side.
Today was the first time in a while that I felt eager to start running again. That may sound shocking, as I always preach that I looove to run blah blah blah-- so of course I'd be eager, right? Wrong. I love running when I'm in shape. I love running when I don't feel like I'm going to throw up and then faint. Now that it has been almost three whole weeks since I set (broken) foot on a treadmill, I am the most out of shape I have been...ever. A very daunting mountain is standing strongly before me, daring me to try and climb it. Having run out of my narco drugs over a week ago, my energy levels are so far down that I see the mountain and say '...maybe later.' But for some reason, today is different. I know I have to be uber cautious when I am cleared to run again and that I have to start super short and slow and very gradually work up to it. But today I felt ready to start that ascent. I guess it's a step in the right direction.. or something? We'll see if the same enthusiasm is present when I can actually do something about it.

A friend of mine texted me today saying she wants to do an Ironman (she is a former soccer freak (more than yours truly) that recently had knee surgery and was told soccer days are over.. something about the side to side motion and cartilige.. but she can still run). I said 'real smart ten days after surgery' in reply to which she said 'well not tomorrow. can I convince you do to it with me?' Duh. Of course. I still want to do a half ironman next year. I'm starting to think that TNT is my best choice. There's no way in the world I could prepare myself for something like that without the help of a program or coach. TNT is the only one that will just cost me my pride as opposed to my $$$ (or lack thereof). Asking people for money is something I'm still not interested in, but I was thinking since I have all this spare time, maybe I can get more creative in fundraising and try doing an event or something. Who knows what I'll decide, but I've gotta figure something out- sooner than later. And I need a new bike.

Firsts

These past couple of weeks have presented a lot of firsts:

*First time that I have neglected exercise for more than 2 days. Try two weeks.
*First time my patient/their family requested I not be their nurse.
*First time I 100% all around regretted my decision to stay in this city.
*First time I haven't been motivated to get up and DO anything.
*First time I've been excited to go to work-- because it's the only activity in my life.
*First time I've made online TV viewing a regular activity in my day to day life.


Post-academia isn't turning out to be what I imagined it. I rested my excitement for this stage in my life on the thought that I'd be able to work and workout-- that was all I really cared about. Now that I can't workout the way I want, I have all too much time to just sit here and realize the many other aspects of life that my plan neglected, and that I have failed to develop the life skills necessary to fulfill said aspects.

I signed up to work all of the holidays in order to avoid the inevitable lonely cloud that would hang over me if I were sitting in my freezing apartment. But not even running around the hospital trying to pretend like I know what's going on has been able to distract me from the fact that my 'situation' isn't what I want it to be/thought it would be. I know I'm the only one who has any ability/authority/power to change it, but I don't know how-- and even worse, I cannot say with confidence that even if I did know how, that I'd have the gall and desire to do it.

I am grateful for my job. Genuinely I am very grateful.
I am grateful for the (expensive) roof over my head, and even though it's an ungodly low temperature, it's warmer than outside.
I am grateful for the fact that I have room in my budget for food-- even if I can't make myself go get it from the store.
I am grateful that I have clothes to wear-- even if I put off washing them until my only other option is nakedness.

I am a very very fortunate person.