My bruise is almost completely gone:
No more crazy disgusting purple splotch to show the world. I am grateful as it did attract some.. unique characters. However, despite the lack of colorful decoration, the pain persists! Running is no painless endeavor, but after a run is the worst. The inflammation process is one that continues to plague and irritate me beyond belief. I am making incredibly slow progress, but progress nonetheless, and for that I will be grateful. I hit 4 miles today and that's exciting. I hit it slowly... but I hit it.
Swimming on Wednesday was... __________. I just can't think of the right word to describe it. Right before we got in the pool I felt weird.. I was still recovering from Tuesday's freak-out, and I ran a couple hours before I got to the pool, so my knee hurt... and everything going on in life all just made one funky emotional concoction. I was put in a lane with a crazy fast girl. During swim meets in high school, I remember a similar sense of panic and as soon as the gun fired, it was just an all out scramble to get to the end of the pool and back (heck yes 50 free). Any technique or strategy or anything I'd picked up in training was absolutely lost as I frantically flailed my limbs in every effort to go fast. When I was in the lane with this fast girl on Wednesday, the same thing happened! I was so worried about getting lapped (which definitely happened-- twice) and getting behind in the main set... It was ugly. If you've ever participated in a team sport, you can probably remember a practice where the coach seemed to completely harp on one person the WHOLE session. They couldn't do anything right in the eyes of the coach, and at every break or speaking opportunity a new command was barked at the poor soul who drew the short straw of being the focus of the coach's attention. On Wednesday, I was that kid. We started with the normal hum-drum drills which I really am not a fan of. Then we had a weird set-- 1x600 and 1x300 with 30 sec rest, then 6x50 w/10 seconds rest and a 200 cool down. NOT A HARD WORKOUT. Between the 600 and 300 I didn't take the full 30 sec rest because crazy fast girl had already started her 300 and was one lap ahead of me and I hate being behind. After the 600 the coachES asked me "did you stop between 600 and 300?" and I said "yes" because I did and then they just looked at each other. Then I was informed that my hips are "herky-jerky" and I need to focus on keeping my core tight so that my body rotates as one instead of my top half rolling to the side (freestyle is swum on one's side, not their stomach) while my hips stay flat. I agreed with the man and focused on it in the next drill. After the 6x50's I looked up at the coach in a "was that any better?" way and got a disapproving look that will stay burned in my memory for a very long time followed by "I'll talk to you after practice." my stomach PLUMMETED while my heart SHOT UP into my trachea-- not conducive for breathing-- AIRWAY! I have mentioned before that I hate to get 'in trouble' or reprimanded in any way. Believe it or not I am a people pleaser and I want those around me-- especially a COACH-- to be happy with my performance or role in whatever the activity. And obviously this coach was not happy. I cooled down trying to focus extra hard on being perfect. Out of the pool this is what went down:
COACH #1:
C: "You're obviously a swimmer. You have a very strong stroke. But you kill it with your hips."
(gotta love the 'compliment sandwich' approach... twist the knife!!)
K: "Oh."
C: "You need to focus on tightening your core and rotating as a whole instead of in halves..blahblahblahblahablhablahbalhablahablahblah"
K: "Okay."
COACH #2:
C: "Did he talk to you about your core?"
K: "I need to keep it tighter."
C: "Do you do ANY core work at all?"
K: "...Yes."
C: "REALLY. I wouldn't have guessed. You really need to work on that more."
K: "Okay."
C: "Did he talk to you about your entry?"
K: "No."
C: "Every time your hand enters the water you are stopping your forward propulsion from the previous stroke. That's very inefficient."
K: "Oh."
C: "Did he tell you about your head?"
K: "...No."
C: "It's all over the place.. up down side to side-- it is essential to efficient swimming that it is absolutely still... and yours is the opposite of still."
K: "Oh."
C: "So work on that this week."
K: "Okay."
A few thoughts:
* Of all things to target-- my core?! Particularly harsh.
* When I joined swim team in high school, I didn't know how to swim (gotta love peer pressure). So after I got taught the main stroke, the coaches kinda realized that I wasn't going to be winning any state championships and decided I wasn't really worth the time or effort of coaching. I'm genuinely over it because I didn't really want to win any state championships for them... swimming was a way to stay in shape when soccer wasn't as intense as spring, summer, and fall. So... I wasn't coached during high school at all really, and then the swim club at North Park never had a coach. I've kinda just done my own thing in the pool and it's worked out for the purpose of working out. Now that I have coaches who are actually coaching it is a tough mental shift to make to receive their coaching as helpful instead of hurtful. I have no doubt that the pointes they are making are incredibly legitimate- but man it's just... a bummer
* I really want to say that I was so worried about getting too far behind crazy fast girl and that is why my stroke went to pot, but I don't want to make excuses.
The rest of that night was ROUGH-- the El ride home was just awful, my head full of every critical point that was brought to my attention in the hour before, I just felt AWFUL and so incapable and embarrassed that I didn't perform better. And whenever I feel vulnerable like that, anything else significant in life automatically contributes to the distress: licensing exam, being broke, not being able to go home for...ever, needing to raise $1400 before August 4th..., SPANDEX?!, licensing exam, licensing exam, licensing exam... it all just collided to make for one ugly breakdown on the El. You know when you're on the train and there's someone that everyone notices but refuses to acknowledge? The elephant on the train, if you will...? That was me... weeping in the corner. Unfortunately, Wednesday nights are apparently THE night to be downtown and return to the northside on the Brown Line, as it is always CRAZY crowded and you can't breathe much less cry in private. It was the longest and worst El ride of my life!
But, I made it home (I turned down a wrong street walking back from the El station... twist the knife!!!) I was supposed to go to a Movie in the Park with my roommates, but couldn't bring myself to face anybody! I was so beside myself and not socially capable of anything. I went straight to bed and woke up the next morning still feeling ..off. But I woke up, and got out of bed, remembered to breathe in and out. The worst of that breakdown has passed, but the remnants are still there. I don't ever want to swim again! I'm just so embarrassed not only by my apparently AWFUL swimming ability, but also by my reaction to being coached! There is nothing wrong with what anybody said to me-- they're supposed to tell me what to fix in order to be a more efficient swimmer, they're doing their job! I'm mortified that I'm a crybaby and let their assessment hurt my feelings so dramatically!
Now I just have to decide what I'm going to do about it. More on that later, I'm still processing.
Meanwhile, I've gotten a couple more donations! I'm so excited that we've made such progress.
AUGUST 4th
is the deadline for fundraising!!!! By this time, we will have raised $2,000! That's so exciting. We still have a lot of work to do, so get excited, but also, be encouraged by where we're at! I'm still VERY excited (nervous-- but excited) for this triathlon and there is just over two months until the big day! HOORAY!
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