Firsts

These past couple of weeks have presented a lot of firsts:

*First time that I have neglected exercise for more than 2 days. Try two weeks.
*First time my patient/their family requested I not be their nurse.
*First time I 100% all around regretted my decision to stay in this city.
*First time I haven't been motivated to get up and DO anything.
*First time I've been excited to go to work-- because it's the only activity in my life.
*First time I've made online TV viewing a regular activity in my day to day life.


Post-academia isn't turning out to be what I imagined it. I rested my excitement for this stage in my life on the thought that I'd be able to work and workout-- that was all I really cared about. Now that I can't workout the way I want, I have all too much time to just sit here and realize the many other aspects of life that my plan neglected, and that I have failed to develop the life skills necessary to fulfill said aspects.

I signed up to work all of the holidays in order to avoid the inevitable lonely cloud that would hang over me if I were sitting in my freezing apartment. But not even running around the hospital trying to pretend like I know what's going on has been able to distract me from the fact that my 'situation' isn't what I want it to be/thought it would be. I know I'm the only one who has any ability/authority/power to change it, but I don't know how-- and even worse, I cannot say with confidence that even if I did know how, that I'd have the gall and desire to do it.

I am grateful for my job. Genuinely I am very grateful.
I am grateful for the (expensive) roof over my head, and even though it's an ungodly low temperature, it's warmer than outside.
I am grateful for the fact that I have room in my budget for food-- even if I can't make myself go get it from the store.
I am grateful that I have clothes to wear-- even if I put off washing them until my only other option is nakedness.

I am a very very fortunate person.