Race Weekend (GULP)

There is a very clear pattern to my mentality in the realm of triathlon-ing.
Registering: I'm greeted with excitement and a little bit if nervousness-- but mostly excitement.
Training brings an almost equal mix of love and hate-- love how you feel after good training, love having purpose to your training, hate the rough days and PAIN it takes to get to the good training.
Race weekend: I've come to hate race weekend. 'If you hate it why do you do it?' one might ask-- with good reason. The answer is because..
Crossing the finish line is such a ridiculously fantastic feeling that squelches any ounce of negativity one may have ever felt in the pursuit of it.

Soo it's race weekend and right now I want to THROW UP until I am shriveled into a little dry ball so I will have a legit reason for why I can't possibly take on the task that stands before me.

Went to the Expo today with my coworker who I dragged into this mess. Until then I wasn't feeling super fantastic about anything, but I was in a content state of ignorance and helplessness: There's nothing I can do about being unprepared now... However, walking into the expo and listening to the course talk, all that I have avoided thinking about is shoved in my face. I feel the vomit creeping up my throat as he goes through the swim start (honestly my second least favorite part of the race... second only to the run haha). I feel my self start to lose my breath as he talks about transition and bike safety. When he gets to the run I feel faint and check my pulse-- I've reached my target heart rate.
I was thinking back to last year and I realized that while I was nervous and had anxiety then, too, it didn't seem this extreme! Then I realized that I was much more intentional and disciplined in my training than I have been this year. While a significant part of these things is mental, that's not going to help me here because I KNOW how much I SHOULD NOT be able to have a good race because I didn't prepare myself to have a good race. When I think to myself "You can do this you just have to believe you can" I will retort with "But I know I CAN'T because I didn't traaaain!' only to start an inner-squabble that will waste more energy than it will create and therefore potentiate my pitiful performance. However last year, when I knew I worked hard to be ready and do my best, I remember on the run wanting to quit SO bad.. or to walk at least, but I kept thinking 'I didn't work my ass off all summer to pansy out now.' Ugh, I'm doomed.
Thus begins my 24 hour panic attack. Honestly my hands are jittery and I can't get a full breath of air in my lungs. It's a problem. I'm glad to report that I am in wave 29 instead of wave 50-something this year. The pre-race wait is the worst and while I'll still have to wait more than two hours after the first wave, my friend is in wave 50 (out of 59 total!) and has to wait an hour and a half LONGER than I do. So I will be grateful for that.
The weather is going to be rather heinous, although suddenly they're revoking the rain prediction. I am highly suspicious though. At 6am the air temp is supposed to be FIFTY ONE degrees, FEELS LIKE FORTY EIGHT. It's just the end of August, whatever.

..So this stage in the weekend is not a fun one because I am feeling all of the panic that I refused to feel in the weeks building up to the event. But I am hopeful that if I can whale myself to the finish line I will meet the euphoric bliss that I faintly remember. I don't even have a worthy cause to say 'at least it's for a good cause' anymore. Man! I would say 'I've learned my lesson' but this is not the first time this has happened and I doubt it will be the last. What a tool!