Update: the time is dragging oh SO SLOWLY.

Torn

There are like twelve days until I say "Peace out, Chicago," and run enthusiastically back into the arms of the West Coast.

I'm torn.

One part of me is ready to go right NOW. Honestly-- I'm done packing (I'm living out of a suitcase), and all of my thoughts are on finding an apartment in Seattle. I can't do that until I'm there. So I want to go NOW. I want to see where I will be living and just start getting settled. I want to go to my place of work, hand in my paperwork and get my ID badge picture taken. I want to ride my bike there to gauge what time I'll have to leave before my shift. I want to find a GYM close by. I want to find the nearest cheap grocery store, the closest Costco, and the Starbucks. I want to figure out the public transportation system and get involved with something-- whether it be coaching soccer or doing something triathlon related. Menatlly, I am already in Seattle, but have to wait twelve more days before I can physically be back on the west/best coast.

The other part of me is realizing how much I like my job here. Given-- once it was publicized that I am leaving, some aspects have taken an ugly turn. Despite stupid scheduling and petty issues, I have come to feel a part of the community of my floor and workplace. I trust my colleagues and I think they're slowly starting to trust me. I know the phone numbers, I know who the attendings are and what residents are on what service. I have my favorite patients and finally know how to get to x-ray without getting lost (...it took awhile). In the past couple of months, things have started to gel a little bit, and now I'm leaving. Don't get me wrong-- each day is something new and for everything I know, there are at least four things I am still trying to wrap my head around. Recently I have seen that indeed I have been making progress and all the stress and anxiety over the year has not been in vain. I genuinely enjoy my job and feel very fortunate and blessed to be able to truthfully make that claim. And I am scared spitless to walk away from it.
As much as I bellyache about Chicago, I know it. Well-- I know how to survive in it for the most part. I know what roads are good to bike on and what roads will get you killed or worse-- doored. I know not to ride on the LakeShore trail during rush hour because it's worse than driving traffic. I have my three grocery stores within a two mile radius where I can get everything I need for a reasonable deal. I know how the El works and am increasingly confident in busses. I have people that I know here and while we may not be best of friends, I KNOW them and they know me. I can go back to North Park and see a handful of friends within seconds of stepping on campus. I am connected in the community and I like that. I have proven to myself that I can survive independently in a big and unknown city, and it was hard! As much as I am looking forward to avoid a six month winter, I am feeling slight twinges of nostalgia for the past five years I've been here.

So I can only hope. Hope that the inevitable stress and anxiety of starting new in Seattle will bear the same, if not better fruit. Hope that I don't mind the rain a lot and that Seattle won't have another freak winter. Hope that biking is the practical option everyone says it will be. Hope that I will be welcomed in my new workplace. Hope that the rotating position opens up in the promised amount of time. Hope that the increased rent doesn't suck me dry and extend my loan repayment period. Hope that I make new friends and grow a social life. Hope that I find a gym that is close to home and close to work, is open 24 hours, reasonably priced, and has a nice pool and good spinning classes. Hope that I find an apartment that fits me and my insane amount of boxes with free laundry. Hope that it works out with few and far between meltdowns.

Only time will tell, and these last twelve days will either fly by or drag on. We'll see!

A+

Yesterday I booked the movers.
Last night I had a dream that they ripped me off.

It is one of my more sincere hopes that this place lives up to their A+ rating by the Better Business Bureau.

After I got off the phone with the very helpful moving-lady, I realized there are only twelve days before movers show up at my front door. So I made significant packing progress. Still nowhere near done, but much farther along.

I only have six more days of work left. That's craaazy.

brr

I am SO COLD.
The warmth wouldn't hang around for me. It's been cold and rainy for the past week or so. I can't help but think "this is what I'm moving TO?!" but then I remember that it will stay like this instead of dropping to ungodly low temperature and snow will be rare. It better be, anyways.

My last day of work theoretically is November 1st. They put me on the next three weekends in a row, and 'asked' me to work nights the 31st and the 1st. I'm a little (a lot) irritated by this and trying to get that worked out.

I have set up a storage place in Seattle. I will have movers take my stuff there, and then when I find an apartment my beloved family will help me move in.

I've been sucked into perusing Craigs List for apartments. I've found a couple that I really like and have set up viewings. I am still paralyzed by the rent, though. It's disgusting.

All this time trying to figure out the logistics of this moving shenanigan has left me little time/motivation to workout. This is bad. I need to get moooving again.


SO COLD!

One Way

Yesterday I bought my first one way plane ticket. I will fly back to Oregon November 3rd. My final few days in Chicago look like they'll be a little bit INSANE:

October 31st: work all day
November 1st: work all day (this will get me benefits through all of November)
November 2nd: movers
November 3rd: flight home at 8:30am.

I am so excited for this to all happen. Truthfully, I wish I could fast forward through all the stressful logistical stuff, but know I can't so whatever. I am holding on (desperately) to the fact that it will be worth it when all is said and done. To be closer to my family and out of this subzero climate will be so fantastic.

I'm still focusing on packing which is a much lower process than I'd like it to be... and I'm trying to find movers that won't screw me over. I hope to go up to Seattle on the 4th or 5th to start apartment hunting in order to give said movers a destination sooner than later. I'll probably end up having them move everything into storage then end up recruiting my beloved family to help me actually move into an apartment.

It is all very exciting. And very expensive. Let's not talk about that part, it gives me heart palpitations.

LIMBO NO MORE

I received a call a few days ago from my future boss asking if I was still interested in the job I interviewed for in SEATTLE. I said "YES. VERY MUCH." (trying-- and failing miserably-- to not sound overly desperate).
On November 30th I will start working at Seattle Children's Hospital on the 4th floor Surgical Unit. I cannot even begin to tell you how elated I am and I swear I was grinning for three straight days-- ear to ear.
Needless to say there is a LOT to be done. To be very honest I am ridiculously overwhelmed by the ginormity of my to-do list. The fact that this cross country move is going to cost so much is the real clincher. In order for my new work place to provide relocation assistance, one has to have two years of experience, and I have just over one year. This is very upsetting, but I'm trying to not let it ruin my sheer joy. However, moving will take a major chunk out of my 'life savings' and, I'm probably going to be getting a car once I get back to Oregon (to avoid sales tax). Those two things, combined with trying to furnish a new apartment (I currently only own bedroom stuff) in a city where it looks like rent will be about $200 more a month than I'm paying now, and don't forget that one's savings should be enough to sustain them for six months of living without any income (thank you Suze Orman).... my frugal nature is absolutely being threatened to the max. And it is making me nutty... and rather beyotchy.

But I'm moving to Seattle and I cannot WAIT.

Limboooo

I have never been fond of limbo. If it were a limbo where I knew what the next phase would be and exactly when and where it would start, I could embrace that limbo. But this limbo is far less detailed than I can appreciate.
In 26 days I have to be moved out. Where am I going? GREAT QUESTION. Everything depends on one decision that is taking its sweet sweet time being made. It is near impossible to secure a plan B for if my ideal situation doesn't pan out. I don't want to get a new apartment because I don't want to sign a one year lease. Month to month leases are few and far between, especially when winter is approaching. No landlord wants to try and rent out his/her place when it's bitter cold and snowing. If there is a month to month it is uber sketch and more of a last-resort to take to avoid under-bridge dwelling. So I am slightly stressed out about the whole 'where will I be living in four weeks from now' debaucle.
I am currently trying to focus on purging my life of unnecessary THINGS. Clothes and shoes especially. It can't be normal to have THREE drawers in one dresser solely dedicated to t-shirts. I may have a problem. And, is it bad that I want to keep my planners from (gulp) even high school...? I love looking through them and remembering all the fun that was had... but they take up a lot of room. So does all of my school work/books from college... Am I really a pack-rat?!?! Aye carumba. I have had times where I've done a good job at just getting rid of things that I wasn't using regularly.. and it seems like no matter what it is, a couple of days after it's disposal, I genuinely need whatever the thing was! Okay-- it's officially a problem.
"A couple of weeks" is SO vague. C'mon, I thought we were all type A! Give me a date, a time.. something objective to hold onto.
It is not surprising to me that I heard this whisper in my ear at work yesterday: "I heard a rumor... is it true?" I have come to genuinely enjoy my coworkers and will miss them if my ideal situation DOES work... but man, working with a majority of women (we have ONE male nurse on our floor.. out of.. a lot) makes it hard to keep anything on the down low. Makes me glad I had the discussion with my supervisor before I left. Shoot.
In any regard, I am experiencing chest pain. If this whole shenanigan gives me a heart attack I will be rather fed up. I don't think it's a myocardial infarction though.. I went to sleep with some wicked hiccups... maybe they're the culprit.

Recap

Well, I'm back in Chicago and freezing! Apparently fall came stumbling in while I was gone, totally ruining my belief that the true 'Chicago summer' would come in September and October, since it never really showed up before then. So it's in the 50s and it's raining off and on. Brr. I had such an excellent trip home. To try and avoid a ridiculously long and wordy post, quick recap:
Saturday: arrived home
Sunday: recovered from lack of sleep
Monday: Hiking with Courtney (see previous post)
Tuesday: Beach with mom and grandma (see previous post)
Wednesday: lazy day!
Thursday: Hiking with dad to Marion Lake
Friday: lazy day!
Saturday: Hiking with Charissa and Stacey
Sunday Funday: Family gathering!
Monday: to Seattle!
Tuesday: begging for my future/ back to Oregon
Wednesday: Back to Chicago

PHEW! I got back to the windy city and trekked back to my apartment via the El. I finally walked in the door around 9:45pm. I putzed around for a little bit then hit the hay only to wake up well before dawn and go to work on Thursday morning. Waste no time, apparently. Work was okay yesterday. I did get an admission pretty late in the day which is always... exciting, but I made it home and have today to catch my breath before working the weekend. I'm not thrilled to be back in the city, and I am super impatient to learn whether or not I will get to relocate soon. In "a couple of weeks" I should know, but I WANT TO KNOW NOW. I have a one month grace period in my apartment. Technically our lease was up yesterday. My roommates will be staying, and someone is coming to take my spot on Wednesday. When I explained that my future isn't developing as quickly as I'd anticipated, they graciously agreed to let me stay through October. So I'd really like to know if I can anticipate a big move now in order to prepare with as little stress as possible (yea right). Oh well-- patience is a virtue... what a great opportunity to develop mine. Hmph.
Below find some more pictures of my super fantastic vacay to OREGON-- aka God's country.

Hiking with my dad-- Three Finger Jack in the view

My dad couldn't get enough of the "fall foliage"

We found another hiker to take our picture


Hiking with Charissa and Stacey-- we found waterfalls!

And of course had to walk through them!

Despite the jolly nature of this group photo-- it was quite a death defying situation.

Super fun family gathering with an impromptu soccer game. I look forward to the rematch.

Plane ride back... this is why I belong on the West Coast.

Oregon FUN

Oregon is ridiculously wonderful.
I got off work at 7:45ish Saturday morning. I went back to my apartment and did some last minute packing, then headed to Midway via the El. Oooh the El. I was fighting to stay awake during the two hour trek and miraculously made it. I had a layover in Kansas City (which, for the record, is the WORST airport ever), and finally arrived to Portland around 6pm (pacific time.. so 8pm Chicago time) Saturday evening. I was exhausted and starving, but so happy to be home. Since arriving I've been soaking up this great state as much as possible.
On Sunday I went running outside which was so nice but so terrible. Holy hills! My legs definitely felt the burn, but there's nothing like (slowly) approaching the peak of a hill and seeing the mountains and the entire amazing view. For a small fraction of a second you almost forget that you can't breathe and that every muscle in your body is screaming bloody murder. Monday I signed up for a week membership to the gym and have been LOVING it.
Also on Monday I went hiking with my good friend, Courtney. She knew of a place, Shellburg Falls, that is gorgeous and uncrowded. We saw some beautiful waterfalls that I had no idea existed, and then I had the brilliant idea that we should go off the trail to get to the top of a crazy huge and steep hill to see if there was 'anything exciting up there.' Hiking rule #1: don't go off the trail. We stupidly decided to go for it, and waded through masses blackberries, sticker bushes and the remnants of logging (..sticks) all on an incline that must have been 89ish degrees. Blood, sweat, and close tears resulted-- but we made it to the top. The excitement that met us was a RIDICULOUSLY GORGEOUS view of the mountains. We could even see the coastal range! After we made it to the top we concluded that there was no way we'd go back down the same route, so we searched for something else. There wasn't a lot, but we went through some forest and tried to avoid the blackberries. I still have several thorns stuck in my hands. It was a lot of
fun to be outside in such gorgeous weather and to hang out with a good friend!

One of the small rivers leading to a waterfall

Behind a Silver-Creek-Falls-esque waterfall

My bright idea

At the top-- barely!

A sad attempt to capture the view-- this pic doesn't do justice

Yesterday (Tuesday), I went to the beach with my mom and grandma. Those two can sure

cause trouble. Not really, but we all have some imp to our nature. I love the ocean a LOT and it was roaring and awesome. The weather at the beach was really unusual-- warm and sunny! I'm accustomed to bringing a hoodie and sweatpants to the beach, no matter what the season. I couldn't have asked for better weather or better company. It was a fun way to spend the day.

I will never get tired of the Oregon Beach!

This 'walking stick' may have turned into a weapon.. more than once.

homebound

I'm going home on Saturday and I can't waaait. Hopefully some exciting things will go down in regards to my future-- but that seems to be quite the roller coaster, so I refuse to hold my breath. However any plans made for the home front are rather dependent on potential future excitement... so I just want to know, people! If I have my way I will definitely hit the beach and go hiking-- I seriously miss naaature.
Needless to say I have quite a few things to achieve before I leave. This is complicated by the fact that I work Thursday night and Friday night and will probably head straight from work to the airport. I booked my ticket completely aware of my work schedule, so I m not complaining, just stating the situation. So tonight my goal is to fold all my laundry (there's a lot of it, folks) and get it put away so that packing will be a breeze (pah!). I'll probably end up packing tomorrow.. since when I get home Friday morning (from work Thursday night) I will be useless and to drag myself out of bed early on Friday afternoon is not a safe bet.
Regardless of how frantic the preparation might get, I am so excited to go home. It has been far too long. While I've enjoyed summer (ish) in the city, I can't help but feel smothered here and can't wait to take a deep breath of fresh air.
Another perk: I took ten days of vacation time during my night shift rotation. Muahahaha! AND I got switched back to days for October (I was supposed to be on nights September and October), so really I only have two night shifts left! Praise the Lord! Miracles happen!!!

I can't move

Today is a very sore day. I cannot move. I was worthless while coaching. I feel like a rusty tin-woman... Squeaking and creaking along. Owwie.

Side note: When biking, if you hear "On your left!" that is code for "move over, clown!" I am so sick of people who ignorantly ride their bikes in the middle of the very crowded bike path! Who do they think they are?! The bike path is very dangerous-- more dangerous than the road in my opinion, and it irritates me when some herb just farts along at a sickly slow pace right in the middle. Honestly-- you should need a license to ride on paths. Equally as annoying is when people ride side by side. I understand sometimes you go on a bike ride with that special someone and want to talk during it. Fine, but when you hear "On your left!" MOVE OVER. For three seconds go back to single file biking, let the person pass, then continue whispering sweet nothings as you ride. C'mon people!

Lesson Learned?

Well I sure as hell hope so.
Today was the Chicago Half Marathon that I whimsically signed up for because I had a coupon. Despite the fact I registered several months in advance, I did not train for this. Sure I would workout here and there to try to prepare for the triathlon, but up until two weeks ago, these 13.1 miles were the last thing on my mind, and unfortunately it would take far more than two weeks to prepare me for this race.

This was my 4th half marathon. For the first two, I trained fairly appropriately (gradually increasing mileage to slowly build, etc). The third one is what broke my foot. One might think that would have been enough to teach me about proper preparation, but apparently not. Even with #3, I trained a little bit. This time-- nothin. Last Sunday I considered trying to run 13 miles to make sure I could-- but then remembered that's the course I took with #3 and decided against it. So the week preceding today, I ran more frequently and quickly than I have in one week in quite awhile-- it was actually nice. I couldn't get past the fact, though, that the mileage I was logging was not even CLOSE to the distance of the pending race.

The night before I prayed for food poisoning, temporary shut down of public transportation (that would prevent me from getting to the location of the race), any small containable disaster that would be a legit reason for me to sit this one out. Because lack of training is surely NOT a legit excuse. However, my prayers were denied so this morning I ventured down to the very south side of the city not knowing what to expect. I've never showed up at a race so unprepared. It wouldn't have been far fetched for me to not finish. Disappointing and mortifying? Yes. Very possible? Yes. My nerves atwitter I lined up at the start line.

Well it really was a good race: well organized, properly supplied with fluids, really nice weather (warm and humid-- but that's appropriate in this region this time of year.. can't complain)... So that makes me kick myself more for not preparing myself for 13 miles! My, how I would have enjoyed it if I was in shape! However-- painfully out of shape better describes my state of being therefore it was terrrrrrrriiiibblllllee.

I coached soccer late Saturday afternoon and got to play in their scrimmage because we were short on numbers. Whenever I play soccer my knees hurt a lot. Ridiculously a lot, even if it's with high school girls who have a thing or two to learn about the game. In the first mile of my epic journey this morning my knees (the right one in particular) made it known that it was NOT ready to embrace activity yet. Too bad, goose. So by mile two I was limping along at an overly leisurely pace. Each mile was marked very clearly with a clock that I was grateful for. I made sure I was going at least a 9 minute mile and I was shocked that it lasted until Mile 12 (shoot, I was shocked that I lasted until Mile 12). I skipped the water stops until Mile 5-- I had no time to waste. But then I got really thirsty and my calves were threatening cramping which is not conducive to good things. So from then on I paused at each fluid station and awkwardly drank Gatorade whilst running. This just means that Gatorade ended up all over my face and shirt and if I was lucky some got in my mouth. If I didn't swallow Gatorade, I sure swallowed air and belched my way to the next fluid station. I pity the runners around me. At Mile 11 I was sooo hot! It was only high 70s but the humidity was high and the sun was beating down on us as we pounded down Lakeshore Drive. So I decided to skip Gatorade and use a cup of water to pour on my head. I got wetter than I anticipated but it was refreshing nonetheless. I sloshed along grimacing the whole way. My knee was killing me. I was soaking wet-- both with sweat and water. My shirt was causing some chafing in my right armpit and it was (and still is) rather uncomfortable. The 12th miles always sucks. So close, but SO FAR! The sides of the course were well lined with supporters. Generally I like cheer-ers because they provide a good distraction. Today I was annoyed that SO many people were bearing witness to my worst showing ever at an athletic event. Even worse-- each runner had their name printed on their race numbers. So the cheering crowd wasn't saying "Woo! Go! Yea!" they were saying "Go KRISTIN!" Given-- in any other situation I welcome cheering! But today I didn't want to be seen much less identified.
After what seemed like eternity, I finally finished and just wanted to pass out. I was so exhausted. I was really taken aback that I actually finished. I had every reason to quit and secretly expected myself to drop out. Even during the race I thought 'maybe I will just faint right now.' But by the grace of God Almighty I chugged along to the end. Bewildering. My time is not worthy of posting, but I will find some solace in the fact that I finished.

I made the hour and a half trek home: one bus and two trains. Ridiculous. On the bus I was half passed out and staring off into oblivion and some peppy girl (PG) in spandex decided to start up a convo:
PG: HOW WAS YOUR RACE?!
Me: It was okay.
PG: Why so glum?
Me: (confusion related pause) I'm not glum, I'm tired.
PG: Oh. You're upset about the race?
Me: Well.. yea I didn't train, but I'm genuinely TIRED.
PG: Oh, so this was your first half marathon?
Me: No, 4th.
PG: OOOOoooohh. Well what was your time?
Me: Just under (enter my approximate time here)
PG: But what was it exactly
Me: ...I don't know.
PG: But there was a Results tent you could look it up at.
Me: I know-- I didn't want to wait in line.
PG: (confusion related pause) Oh. Well I did really great and I'm not even a runner I just started running ten months ago and I did sooo well and I'm just so happy because I did so great and it was my first half marathon and I did awesome!
Me: ..Congratulations. (believe it or not the first congratulations was genuine)
PG: ON AND ON ABOUT HOW AWESOME SHE IS
Me: Good Job... congratulations... awesome... well done. EXIT BUS.

It was SUCH an odd encounter. While it is ridiculously exciting to do well, I have never seen someone so spirited about tooting her own horn! That's a lie, I know some pretty cocky people, but this clown caught me off guard.

Anyways, I'm home and I feel sick. There's something GI related going on and my legs are pretty useless.

Next time I threaten to not train, remind me of this shenanigan (except you, mom and dad).

*photo courtesy of someone's facebook album

..oh yea..

Truthfully, I didn't forget. The first thing I consciously thought of as I crossed the finish line at last week's triathlon was 'Now on to the half marathon...' However, after a leisurely swim on Monday and starting the night shift (I could-- and might-- go into how terrible this is) on Tuesday, I haven't had a lot of time (or desire) to focus on the approaching race.

I have mixed feelings:

-It's a race-- a competition-- so of course I want to do well.
-It's a running race, so I won't do well.
-There's really nothing I can do at this point (nine days away) to make my chances any better
-...etc.

Ugh who knows. A couple of days ago, I received an informational email about the race. Towards the very end, the race regulations were listed. I stumbled upon this one and started flipping out:
RACE REGULATIONS
Participants will:
� not be allowed to wear headphones.
NO WAY! I can understand this for a triathlon-- swimming with headphones-- not good. Biking with headphones-- not safe. But running with headphones?! COME ON PEOPLE. Admittedly, I'd been warned that this anti headphone movement was coming. Last year at a Team in Training seminar (Triathlon 101) I learned about the no headphones rule for triathlons, and it was mentioned that running races were moving this way, too. I thought 'Psh, that's bogus!' and thought little of it. But apparently it's true. I have a genuine appreciation for rules as they create structure and safety. But honestly, I am planning on breaking this one because if I have ANY chance of finishing this race, headphones will be as necessary as shoes.

An article recently found its way to my inbox that addressed how to be faster (running and biking). "Offseason Intervention: Train Fast to Race Fast" profoundly stated in order to race faster you have to train faster. ..duh. If only it were that simple. Regardless of its '2+2=4' logic, it was interesting and explained physiology behind its concepts which I really appreciate.

..as promised: I hate the night shift SO stinkin' much I can't even handle it! I may have been quite the Pouty-Polly my first night back (Tuesday). I was greeted on Wednesday night by the scheduling-lady saying "You're off nights for October." She says I was 'next on the list' but I am quite curious if my less than awesome attitude played a role in this decision. I hate it when bad attitudes get the Negative Nancies of the world what they want, but this time I will be insanely grateful. Whether it was my crankiness or not-- I am so glad to only have to do this night shift charade for one month instead of two.

Chi Tri '09

Packet Pick Up:
Uneventful which is refreshing. My friend gave me a ride which was much appreciated-- taking the El becomes quite the hike. Got my packet, (lame) t-shirt, purple swim cap (second purple one-- not my fav), allowed a stranger to take a FAT permanent marker to all of my limbs, vomited at the course talk, perused the expo, took advantage of a sale and left. Nothing too terrible.

Preparation:
I recently got a 'bike computer' because it was on clearance for $10 which is a steal compared to the ones that go for hundreds of dollars elsewhere. Since the reviews of this device were pretty positive, I decided to get it. Of course I waited until the night before the race to install it which was much more difficult than I anticipated. When I was in third grade math I never thought I'd actually NEED to remember the equation for how to determine the circumference of a circle. Lo and behold the wheel circumference has to be programmed into this thing in order for it to be accurate. After measuring eight THOUSAND times and submitting to the fact that I don't know how to use a tape measure much less a mathematical equation, I decided to trust my gut (and my dad) and go with 27. Got it programmed and set up, only to realize I attached to computer 'mount' upside down. I need to get new zip ties before I can turn it right side up. So I definitely raced with it upside down. 16mph... 91mph... same thing. HA. What a doof. The rest of packing was uneventful aside from the large ulcer that continued to grow. I went to bed at 7:30 and fell asleep around 11:30. Ridiculous.

Race Morning:
Woke up at 2am with little effort due to extreme anxiety. After a breakfast of champions (oatmeal!) did some last minute packing and panicking and headed out. My friend and I planned to meet at the Lakeshore trail and bike down to avoid major parking fees and mayhem. On our way, we couldn't help but notice the lake-- it was rampant and DEFINITLY resembled The Perfect Storm. I know I have a habit for being dramatic, but this is very factual. I tried to look up some hard proof but failed. The WAVES were splashing all the way up on to the shore-- I have NEVER seen that happen. Not like 'oh, some mist dampened the path' but more along the lines of 'HOLY BUCKETS that wave just swallowed that pedestrian!' Fortunately it was still of the 3am hour so no pedestrians were ingested by the rage of Lake Michigan, but I was VERY nervous to continue on the path and resorted to biking like crazy to get to transition. We barely made it. I was half expecting to see signs: "RACE CANCELLED DUE TO TSUNAMI LIKE CONDITIONS" but all I saw was masses of people flooding into the mini-city of transition. I was certain death was a very real possibility.
I got my spot set up, furrowed my brow at some crazy people, vomited at the professional people, walked the in's and out's then got the heck out of there. I didn't even pause to snap a photo-- too many people!!
Then the wait. I was in wave 29 of 57. The first wave left at 6am then every 4 minutes after that, meaning I took off at 8:08. Two hours to let my anxiety fester. My friend's wave (50/57) didn't leave until 9:30ish so I will consider myself lucky in comparison. The weather was slightly ridiculous. I was FREEZING! The water was 64 degrees-- not warm, but warmer than the 58 at the Worst-Triathlon-Ever back in July. The air temperature was in the upper 50s. Gaaaah! I wore my swimsuit, triathlon shorts, my really flattering triathlon top, under armor (which I had to UNPACK from a box!!!), and a coat. I brought sweatpants anticipating a chill or two, not hypothermia. Honestly, the cold was the worst part of the wait. At 6:55 I planned to go to the porta potty, remebering the heinously long lines last year. By the time I got back to the swim start at 7:30, it was time to line up! AHHHHHH.

*How my friend waited for her start

*Ridiculously long lines for the port-a-potties

Swim:
I expected the worst and was pleasantly surprised with the start. Don't get me wrong it was chaotic and violent, but it seemed to die down much quicker than normal. Maybe I surrenered earlier than normal, haha. It went okay until some MANIAC came barreling from behind me and in passing ripped my goggles OFF MY FACE. That pissed me off. Losing my goggles is close to close to my biggest fear about the swim (minus drowning). I had to stop-- tread water GRAB my eye protection before they SUNK to the mysterious and disgusting bottom, shake the water out of them and then reaffix them to my cranium. UGH. I couldn't help but think 'You're lucky I'm wearing waterproof mascara!" I got appropriately angry and tried to use it to swim faster but my time suggests that I did not swim faster, but since I don't focus on numbers anymore it doesn't (shouldn't) matter. I will blame my slower swim time on the goggle incident. The thing about that is: the swim time INCLUDES the >0.25mile jog from the beach to transition.. When I looked at my watch as I stumbled out of the water (the helper-people said 'Ma'am take off your goggles so you can see!' I'm sorry if I want to focus on STANDING first, c'mon!) it said that I'd gone a MINUTE faster than my time last year, and then the posted time is two minutes slower than my trustee watch time, and one minute slower than last year. Ahhhh! All the more reason to not focus on that jazz.

BIKE
Holy wind. Same as last year-- a two loop course up Lakeshore Drive (two lanes open to vehicular traffic, two closed (the two closest to the median no less) for the bikers-- I may have feared for my life for the second time that morning). The wind while going North was ridiculous and I spent most of my time in crazy easy gears... inching along. Once we turned to go south, it was glorious. I still can't figure out how to go faster on the downhills and it is getting irritating. I pass people on the climbs then get smoked on the downhill. And yes-- there were climbs that were dramatically increased by the wind. Around the turn for the second lap, the wind hit like a brick wall. I hate that I can't control the weather! Bike time was disappointing-- I'd secretly hoped for like 30 minutes faster than last year since I have a legit bike-- but alas, it was a mere 8 minutes faster! The wind was SOOO much more intense this year. That will be my justification.

RUN
The run was better than I thought it would be. I've really made running into this big bad unconquerable thing in my mind. While it still holds that status, this run wasn't quite as terrible as I'd psyched myself out for. Within the first mile I heard someone cheer 'You're almost there!' To which I retorted in between gasps "NO WE ARE NOT WE HAVE SIX MILES TO RUN THAT IS NOT ALMOST ANYTHING!" A girl running next to me said "I hate it when people tell me I'm almost 'there!'" We ran side by side for awhile then she got ambitious and pulled ahead. I could see her the whole time and told myself I had to stay with her. She slowed down between mile 2 and 3. Then I passed her between 3 and 4. The rest of the run I thought "I have to keep going or she'll pass me!" I got Gatorade at the 5th mile and then she popped up right beside me and scared the daylights out of me. I used that adrenaline to get pull ahead and get to mile 6. That last 0.2 miles is so killer. I was sure I'd smoked this girl and she was far behind me and then all of the sudden with the finish line in earshot, she goes by me 'kicking it in.' Dammit! So I looked at my feet and thought "FASTER!" About three second later they started making an awkward effort to go faster and I passed her and finally crossed the finish line.

Aftermath:
I saw that girl down the finish chute and told her that she kept me going the whole time (in a 'thank you' manner) and she looked at me like I was a loon. Whatever. I got my medal (everyone gets one), and my bagel (whole bagels here, but just cups of water/Gatorade..) and meandered down the street in a lemming like fashion. I get so disoriented during downtown races, I had no idea where I was going. I followed until I recognized how to get to the swim gear check, got my stuff, cheered for some runners until I saw my friend run by, then made the trek back to transition. The wind was still blowing and I got VERY cold very quickly! I'm always appalled at how transition looks as if a tornado has blown through it after the race! I gathered my stuff super slowly, put my coat back on, and went back to the finish line to wait for my friend. Apparently, I took my sweet time because as she was walking out of the festival after the finish chute, I was just getting there. We went back to swim gear check, got her stuff there, walked all the way back to transition and then made the genius decision to ride our bikes back instead of taking the El. I'm always up for saving $2.25, but lordy lordy. I have not come to love the rigid little bike seat on my speedy steed and after an already grueling bike leg I wasn't thrilled to re-board. With my crazy heavy soccer backpack and super stiff legs I pedaled back sooo slow on a suuuper easy gear. The ride back was not fun AND I came SO close to getting doored! If that would have happened, I surely would have flipped. I finally got home, looking and feeling absolutely BEAT, and sat down, then woke up an hour later. Pooped, stiff, and sunburned.

All in all-- good day. Went fairly smoothly with the expected unexpected snags. I finished and I didn't die so that has to equal a success, right? Now I'm trying to regain full motion in all of my limbs.. and I feel feverish because I'm sunburned. While I definitely wish I wouldn't have been so lazy in training, I am still glad I participated (definitely had about an hour of 'maybe I will stay home' mentality the day before the race). And I will look forward to doing this race again in the future.

Race Weekend (GULP)

There is a very clear pattern to my mentality in the realm of triathlon-ing.
Registering: I'm greeted with excitement and a little bit if nervousness-- but mostly excitement.
Training brings an almost equal mix of love and hate-- love how you feel after good training, love having purpose to your training, hate the rough days and PAIN it takes to get to the good training.
Race weekend: I've come to hate race weekend. 'If you hate it why do you do it?' one might ask-- with good reason. The answer is because..
Crossing the finish line is such a ridiculously fantastic feeling that squelches any ounce of negativity one may have ever felt in the pursuit of it.

Soo it's race weekend and right now I want to THROW UP until I am shriveled into a little dry ball so I will have a legit reason for why I can't possibly take on the task that stands before me.

Went to the Expo today with my coworker who I dragged into this mess. Until then I wasn't feeling super fantastic about anything, but I was in a content state of ignorance and helplessness: There's nothing I can do about being unprepared now... However, walking into the expo and listening to the course talk, all that I have avoided thinking about is shoved in my face. I feel the vomit creeping up my throat as he goes through the swim start (honestly my second least favorite part of the race... second only to the run haha). I feel my self start to lose my breath as he talks about transition and bike safety. When he gets to the run I feel faint and check my pulse-- I've reached my target heart rate.
I was thinking back to last year and I realized that while I was nervous and had anxiety then, too, it didn't seem this extreme! Then I realized that I was much more intentional and disciplined in my training than I have been this year. While a significant part of these things is mental, that's not going to help me here because I KNOW how much I SHOULD NOT be able to have a good race because I didn't prepare myself to have a good race. When I think to myself "You can do this you just have to believe you can" I will retort with "But I know I CAN'T because I didn't traaaain!' only to start an inner-squabble that will waste more energy than it will create and therefore potentiate my pitiful performance. However last year, when I knew I worked hard to be ready and do my best, I remember on the run wanting to quit SO bad.. or to walk at least, but I kept thinking 'I didn't work my ass off all summer to pansy out now.' Ugh, I'm doomed.
Thus begins my 24 hour panic attack. Honestly my hands are jittery and I can't get a full breath of air in my lungs. It's a problem. I'm glad to report that I am in wave 29 instead of wave 50-something this year. The pre-race wait is the worst and while I'll still have to wait more than two hours after the first wave, my friend is in wave 50 (out of 59 total!) and has to wait an hour and a half LONGER than I do. So I will be grateful for that.
The weather is going to be rather heinous, although suddenly they're revoking the rain prediction. I am highly suspicious though. At 6am the air temp is supposed to be FIFTY ONE degrees, FEELS LIKE FORTY EIGHT. It's just the end of August, whatever.

..So this stage in the weekend is not a fun one because I am feeling all of the panic that I refused to feel in the weeks building up to the event. But I am hopeful that if I can whale myself to the finish line I will meet the euphoric bliss that I faintly remember. I don't even have a worthy cause to say 'at least it's for a good cause' anymore. Man! I would say 'I've learned my lesson' but this is not the first time this has happened and I doubt it will be the last. What a tool!

I'll get back there, there's no option here.

So approximately seven minutes after I wrote my previous post, I walked out the door to go on what was the second most pathetic run of my life. I shuffled just under two miles to the lake then sat and people watched for a good half hour-- long enough that my sweaty shirt dried-- then shuffled back. I am very grateful for the lake and what it offers (a 'beach', a super long trail, (gross) swimming opportunity, etc). I don't know what this running funk is about but it has hung around for far too long and I yearn for the times that I'd run every day-- eight miles or five miles--no matter what. Ever since my foot exploded this winter I've been believing that I'll get back there, but honestly... eight--almost nine months later I'm losing hope. I will try to be happy that I actually attempted a run yesterday, though. Perhaps acknowledging extreme lack of motivation is the key to obtaining a little of it.

-The triathlon is this Sunday and I am all sorts of nervous. This summer and my triathlon experiences have made me realize how essential a team environment is when training for something. I totally took my soccer teams for granted in the aspect of how they kept me accountable to do my best every time. No one was ever breathing down my neck saying DO YOUR BEST but knowing that it was expected was enough to make me push myself as hard as possible. Even in the off season-- I would think I do NOT want to run today, but would realize I have 18ish teammates that are counting on me to be prepared to play for 90 straight minutes-- there's no option here. Team in Training last year provided that, too. While any inadequacies wouldn't affect my teammates in training, they would recognize if I was being a slacker. I wish it didn't take other people to motivate me to consistently push hard.

-As previously mentioned, I have new running shoes as of yesterday. I love new shoes, and I love that I got them ON SALE and with free shipping. Zappos.com is a site (started by an 18 year old or something crazy) that I have disregarded several times in the past because I thought their prices were too high. Not this time! I found my shoes (in the newer model) for the same price everyone else had them. I figured I might as well get these because shipping on this site is FREE, so I'd save some $$ there comparatively to other places. Then I clicked to change the color and the price went down $17! Yes please, I'll TOTALLY take the orange and lime over the red (which really looked like pink..). So I ordered them on Monday morning and then a UPS man was at my door by 10:30am Tuesday morning! Apparently the 'free shipping' is free overnight shipping! That is very exciting and very conducive to breaking these puppies in before Sunday. If ONLY I could convince myself to run.

-A few days ago was the Alumni soccer game at my alma mater. I had very mixed feelings about going-- Hell no! Was my initial reaction as old wounds from my senior year haven't completely healed (as pathetic as it may be). However, I realized how many other alumni would be going and that I'd kick myself for missing the opportunity to catch up. So I convinced myself to clear several hurdles in order to attend, and am SO glad I did. Not only did I see people that I've missed since playing with them, but we WON and it was sooooooooooooo vindicating. It was hardly a good game (the 12 alumni were out of shape (minus the two or three of them that have continued to play) and the pace of the game was really slow), but winning made all the difference. The alumni recognized our lack of fitness and decided we needed to pass the ball up the field instead of hoping someone would be able to run on to a long ball-- THAT IS HOW THE GAME SHOULD BE PLAYED NO MATTER WHAT YOUR PHYSICAL FITNESS. It was good and I am so glad I went. I haven't played in my cleats for .. more than a month or two and I have a blister to write home about! Holy cow it's red and raw and I felt it rip open in my shoe just before half time. I'm nervous about what it will feel like in the triathlon. I also have a nice turf burn and a big ole bruise right beside it. Man, I miss that game.

I woke up early this morning to go lift before work, but it is torrential downpour and I refuse to ride my bike in the rain-- especially if I have to end up at work.

Weather for the triathlon on Sunday: High of 64 and showers. SERIOUSLY?! Why not let it snow? For the love of all humanity the weather is craaazy. If I fall off my bike due to slippery roads or because someone else has crashed due to the slippery roads, I will be VERY upset. However, the saying goes 'if you don't like the weather here, wait for five minutes and it will change.' So perhaps there is still hope...?

wtF

OMG i am out of control.

for the life of me i can't make myself go run-- outside or on the treadmill. here i sit in running attire, NEW RUNNING SHOES, staring out the window at truly ideal running weather, but have absolutely no desire to go. not only do i lack desire, i have an abundance of un-desire. wtf. this is not me and not who i want to be. nooo bueno whatsoever. beyond frustrating and really poor timing considering the fact that, as much as i have chosen to ignore it and deny it, the HALF MARATHON that i whimsically registered for is a mere eighteen days away and i haven't even considered intentionally training for it. omg i am out of control.

The Race

By the time I'd arrived to transition in the morning I was so NOT excited for what was about to go down. Everything had just been building up negative energy: the last triathlon shenanigan, worrying about getting my bike there, barely getting my bike out of the car, CONSTRUCTION up to wazoo, trying to FIND transition... It was all so much more complicated than it should ever be and made everything building up to the race not fun, and well when you do these things for fun it becomes a serious problem when lack of fun is had. So I was grumpy and thinking I should just go home, I'm done with triathlons, this is stupid.
By the time I got into transition and my spot set up I was exhausted from all the worrying I'd done in the past 24 hours. I was in and set up by 4:45am so I had an hour and 15 minutes to kill before they closed it. I walked the in's and out's and hit up the port-a-potties twice. The promised bike guys didn't show up until 5:40am and I wasn't about to move my bike at that point-- the late comers will take any open spot on the bike rack no matter what. The last thing I needed was to find a new spot. I saw a guy a couple of bikes down with a bike pump and stared for a long time hoping he'd get my telepathic messages asking if I could borrow it. He didn't so I swallowed my pride and asked. He hesitated-- I hate that. But he handed it over and after I pumped up the front, I was maneuvering under the bike rack to do the back tire and he goes "oh, I need that back now." I hesitated. haha. What a clown, oh well I got the front one pumped up, better than nothing. I looked around and was taken aback at how many people looked like fancy pants super athletes. Usually there's a fair mix: crazy chiseled and professional folk all the way to the grandmother who decided to give-it-a-tri. However, there weren't any (obvious)grandmas and it was intimidating.
I finally made my way to the swim start. The announcer man who'd been rattling off little facts and tidbits all morning was the same guy from the worst-triathlon-in-the-world. When I heard his voice I cringed a little bit, but then remembered how right he was for the last one, so I gave him due credit. I was in wave 4 for the swim start. When I'm in a later Wave, I love/hate it: it gives me time to see how other people are doing and spectators aren't as enthusiastic about watching wave twenty-something.. but at the same time it adds an hour or so of anxiety and 'I HAVE TO PEE!' time. So the earlier wave was okay this time, the earlier you start the earlier you finish. Theoretically anyways. Sooner than I knew it I was thrashing about with SIXTY other women. Shudder. I hate the swim start. For the first five-ish minutes I think to myself 'There is no way this is going to thin out or get better. There is no way I can do this for a whole mile. This is ridiculous, I should just stop now.' My self defeating attitude is really getting old. I got kicked in the face and in the ribs and have weird bruises on the underside of my arm. My ribs still hurt when I breathe deep! RIDICULOUS. Lo and behold it did thin out and was okay for the most part. The route was weird: a triangle. This is bad because it means you have to look up to make sure you're 'on course' the whole time. Once I finally would get oriented to my straight line it seemed like the next buoy popped up and I'd have to make an awkward turn and get all discombobulated again. Oh well. I finished it and moved on.
The bike. Lordy Lordy. Wisconsin can be known in the Midwest to be hilly. People 'ski' in Wisconsin... Based on the bike leg of this race, I'd say the hilly label is accurate. I wasn't about to go strap on my ski's but it was significantly more incline than I've encountered since my last summer at home when I'd bike to the gym. The hills and the WIND really caught me off guard. I am so grateful for my fancy bike because I really used its functioning gears a lot! I can't figure one thing out: I think I'm in the highest gear possible, but then when going down hill there is a point where it feels like I'm 'free wheeling,' there's zero resistance.. but I can't shift UP anymore. Other people however, are able to find a higher gear on their bikes. I am torn between if it's the fact that I just don't have as many gears or if I am a moron and don't know which way to shift. That was the biggest frustration. I handled the climbs well, I like climbing to be honest, but the on the down hill I had to coast, I couldn't maximize on the advantage gravity was giving me. Hopefully I can figure that out before Chicago, because there are a lot of inclines in that race, too.
After paying EXTRA EXTRA close attention on the bike to ensure I did my two laps (no one will every accuse me of cheating again!) it was on to the run. The run was the worst run of my life! Oh my goodness. During the swim and bike I felt alright. Not awesome, but like I was holding my own. That all faded dramatically when it came time to run/jog/shuffle/limp/waddle. I remember after the Chicago race last year vowing to do more BRICK workouts so that my run wouldn't be as dismal. I have done ONE intentional BRICK since then. Whoops. It was REALLY hot by this point. During the whole bike there'd been clouds so it was CRAZY humid, but as soon as I left transition for the run, there wasn't a cloud in the sky so the sun just BEAT down the whole time. The course was weird, it seemed like it would never end. The first half was on a street but no spectators were allowed on it. There is a lot to be said for those that cheer. It boosts morale a lot. AND headphones are still not allowed in this fantastic sport so it was silent on the run aside from the thud-ing of feet and the gasping for air (to which I was a huge contributor). Dismal. And it's WISCONSIN so the scenery was far from awesome. I've failed to mention until now that this whole time I had to urinate. It's a serious problem. They preach at you to hydrate like a champ, but hellloooo then you have to pee every hour! To make it worse, there weren't ANY porta potties on the whole course, except for in transition, and even then they were really poorly located. So by the time I got to the run I thought I was going to throw up I had to pee so bad. For all you weak stomached individuals, I suggest you stop here. I definitely peed WHILE running. Thank you VERY MUCH. Disgusting? Of course? Dirty? Yes. RELIEVING TO NO END? MOST DEFINITELY. Omygosh I felt sooo much better once I let 'er rip. It really wasn't a conscious decision-- if it were that easy I would have done it ages ago. It just kind of happened and it was glorious in its repulsiveness. I was consistently throwing water on myself at the water stops so it wasn't ...toooo obvious. That's what I tell myself anyways. The run was just awful though I felt like I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe. It stretched on FOREVER and I kept thinking 'HA and you wanted to do a half IRONMAN?!' One way or another, though I finished it. The finish line is always good and bad. Good: you're done, people give you food and drink, you're done, you can breathe, you're done, etc. Bad: Everything tightens up ALL at once no matter what, you can barely stand up straight minus continue to walk, it is SOOO crowded by spectators, finishers, and volunteers-- we know how I feel about crowds, etc. But whatever, I was done. I got my cold towel, water, Gatorade, quarter of a bagel (budget cuts! HA!) and banana and started willing my feet to carry me back to transition to gather my stuff.

I got back to transition and really wasn't focusing well and couldn't make myself DO anything but stand there. I saw a man sitting on the curb behind the bike rack and I dubbed him a GENIUS and followed his example. I decided to finish my bagel and Gatorade, THEN pack up. This man started chatting (he's like 50 something with 4 kids, mom wipe that look off your face) and I looked at him cross eyed and smiled and nodded. He told me he'd done a half ironman earlier in the summer. "One and done," he said-- he didn't enjoy it and didn't plan on doing it again. "Same with a full marathon. One and done." I think I have to agree. While I still want to do a half ironman, I don't see myself doing them often. One. Maybe two. Then I'll stick with International triathlons and half marathons. Just because your body can be forced to run 26 miles or do other crazy things, doesn't mean it was really meant to. I'd rather have my body work for the rest of my life than do crazy long races for a few years then not be able to move. This man also said something that was soo appropriate: "You can't focus on the numbers, then it's not fun anymore. And if it's not fun, then you're in the wrong sport." ZING. Bring it home. I have been so focused on numbers and improving and all that statistical nonsense that it really hasn't been super fun the past month or so. I think he's right. I have to do it to have fun and let that be enough. While wanting to improve isn't bad, too much cookie dough will make you nauseous. That metaphor works for EVERYTHING.
That being said, I choose to keep my times to myself. They're really nothing to boast about and are almost EXACTLY the same as the Chicago race last year-- run and swim are within a few seconds. Except for the bike, that was dramatically better-- appropriately because I have a real bike. So I finally got under three hours and I will be content with that.
Yesterday I woke up and couldn't MOVE. My back was so sore I thought I'd been in a car wreck or something. It's upsetting. I did a short and easy swim yesterday hoping to get some lactic acid out, and today is a little better. I went to spinning this morning. I'm not a big fan of the instructor (she has a big 'I'm a badass' attitude and it's just obnoxious) but I heard her talking and she did the same race. I was about to say 'oh! me too!' but she launched into how awesome she did and I didn't dare interrupt. I'm forcing myself to run tonight even though my back still aches and my lungs don't really expand all the way (that kick in the ribs was extra brutal!) but I think my goal for the Chicago race (in less than two weeks!) will be to feel better about the run, so a run tonight is necessary.

I did take my camera with me but amidst the chaos in getting to the race and pure exhaustion afterwards, didn't snap a single photo. Whoops. We'll see if the event photos are posted soon.

Pre-race PANIC

So the weekend started out with packet pickup on Saturday in Wisconsin. When I finally got to the site (trip took much longer than expected due to HEAVY construction..EVERYWHERE), I saw people with their bikes and people with medals around their neck. My first thought was "HOLY COW I MISSED THE RACE!!!" Then I realized they were kiddos-- there was the Junior Race that day and the adults race on Sunday. But the bikes were adult bikes. I saw they had set up transition and people were racking their bikes early. I had seen this as an OPTION while perusing the website in prior weeks, but didn't think many people would ACTUALLY do it-- the risk of theft and rain deterred me, not to mention the lack of control I would feel if my precious bike were a whole state away with nothing but a measly metal fence protecting it. No thank you! I chose to leave my steed in the safety of my basement (actually living room because they were drywalling the basement and I hadn't put it back yet. Whoops). I'd emailed the race coordinator upon signing up for the race just to make sure that it wasn't required for participants to rack their bikes on Saturday and received an email back saying that I could bring my bike on race morning. Wonderful. BUT-- a LOT of people were racking their bikes-- transition was starting to look FULL. This made me nervous. So when I picked up my packet I asked the kind volunteer if bike check in was mandatory TODAY (Saturday) or if participants could bring their bikes on race morning. He looked at me with disappointed eyes and said "Well, I think it has to be today..." It was like someone flipped a switch in me-- PANIC! ALARM! NONONONO! While I'm sure my face twitched a little bit and I KNOW my eyebrows shot up into my scalp, I think that outwardly I remained fairly calm as I said "Oh... really? I emailed and asked and someone told me I can bring it tomorrow..." So he went and got the head race lady who gave me the SAME disappointed look and said "You can bring it tomorrow, but you best be here very early." Psh-- no problem-- does she knooow who she's talking to??? No, she doesn't but that was a relief.
I looked at some of the booths at the Expo while I waited for the Course Talk. These expos are the place to go to get new gear because it's usually super discounted. I need new triathlon shorts and a new top to race in (a topic for a later post: "Team in Training POSER"). I found shorts marked down from $65 to $25 which is absolutely fantastic-- but they had FLOWERS on them. C'mon people, just because I'm female doesn't mean I want flowers on my shorts. So I passed on the shorts and found a top for $30 which again is a fantastic price, it was marked down from $75. So I broke down and got it. Still waiting for the course talk, I looked through the packet they gave us (which included a HOODIE (instead of a t-shirt) and a water bottle- far superior to the memorabilia from the two sprints I did earlier in the summer), and saw parking details, etc. Of course I'd looked at this on the website before, but was told it'd been changed within the past 48 hours when I arrived to the Expo. Changes: 1)Parking would be far away from the transition area, and 2) While there would be a shuttle from parking TO transition, no bikes would be allowed on it. Balls. This caused me a lot more stress than it should have (hindsight's a bear). I had barely been able to arrive at the race site in broad daylight by car, how was I supposed to FIND a new parking venue in the dark, and then BIKE to the race site from there-- IN THE DARK. So from then until I actually arrived to transition the next morning-- my anxiety level was through the roof. I spent a good two hours on googlemaps trying to figure it all out. This giant knife was twisted by the MAJOR construction EVERYWHERE and that they closed SEVERAL roads FOR the race! Aye carumba, I'm certain that I obtained an ulcer. I thought to myself 'Well, you'll just have to leave even earlier.' Then I remembered I had reserved my Zipcar for 3am--a measly ONE HOUR before I needed to be at transition. So foolish. I packed my bag and filled my water bottles-- got everything ready. I went to pump up my bike tires and was mortified to learn that due to the drywalling in the basement, my landlord moved his bike pump that I've been ...borrowing. I resorted to visiting the promised bike tent that would be at transition and after going through my checklist seventeen times-- went to bed and had ZERO problems falling asleep even though it was only 7:30pm. Six and a half hours later I was up at 2, and I got out the door by 2:45 to arrive to my Zipcar by 2:55. When I'd reserved the car (a Honda Civic) it said on the site that the seats fold down-- a HUGE factor in my decision. However as I went to load my bike I was rudely met with the fact that no-- the seats don't fold. First ping of panic. So I SHOVED my bike into the backseat. I considered taking of the quick release front wheel but just KNEW that if I took it off, I wouldn't be able to get it back on, because that is how my life goes. So I pushed and pushed with all the adrenaline that was racing through me. I had less than an hour now to make a normal 1hr and 15min journey that would already be lengthened by construction and darkNESS. Definitely ready for the PLEASANT part of this race.
Good thing about the car is that it had an iPod adapter and an I-Pass so I didn't have to stop and/or pay at any tolls. So I cranked the tunes and drove like the wind. The lack of traffic saved me. Through the construction zone there is a 16 mile stretch that is ONE LANE that is sooo narrow. I arrived to PARKING (barely) by 4:05am. LATE. I jumped out and went to retrieve the bike I'd so carelessly wedged in the back seat. It wasn't budging. I went from both sides-- pushing and pulling with all my might-- panic level increasing EXPONENTIALLY with every second that I wasted trying to get the damned thing out. A car pulled up next to me and I thought 'maybe they'll help!' But no, after a good 5 minutes of them dawdling, the girl comes up to me and as I looked at her (SWEATING profusely ALREADY-- it was uber humid) she says "Will you take our picture??" Omg I wanted to spit on her shoes (she may have been one of those super perky always great, good at everything, absolutely gorgeous, probably really really nice.. people you love to hate). So I snapped the photo and was a bit standoffish and went back to my project. By the power of divine intervention ONLY I got it out. I quickly grabbed my bag and scurried over to a parking-guy to ask how to get to transition. He looked at me like I was nutso (appropriately) replying "Umm that-away, Miss." As he pointed into the darkness. I told him 'thank you' and muttered 'for nothing' when he was out of earshot. I boarded my bike rather unsteadily at 4:15am and rode into the darkness to where I thought transition would be. Proof that God exists and is sooo gracious: Not even a minute later I rode up to a group of volunteers on their way to transition. Praise the LORD. There is no way I would have found it without following them. Once I arrived at transition my anxiety decreased SIGNIFICANTLY. I put more worry into actually GETTING to the race than the race itself. It's kind of ridiculous.

What is more ridiculous is the length of this post and I haven't even gotten to the race. And my computer battery is knocking on death's door, so I'll do more later.

STOP

Admittedly, I'll throw out a "my life is in shambles" or "everything is terrible," but believe it or not, I am so genuinely grateful with every ounce of my being for how insanely simple my life actually is. While some logistics are about to get complicated in coming months, I realize that I have it ... REALLY good.

Be proud-- I avoided real running for an entire week to prevent foot pain. I re-boarded the treadmill today and it was a good day. It is not uncommon for me to very accidentally hit the emergency STOP button on the machine with my spastic arm movements. It is so frustrating! A good run is so rare nowadays, and when it comes it is very fragile and the slightest distraction or STOP shenanigan has insane potential to RUIN it. Fortunately today nothing was ruined-- just a 15 second pause at mile 3. Whatever, I'll be grateful for doing 6 miles in 48 minutes. Still slower than where I was last year, but better than nothing. I need to get new shoes, I'm convinced. I will wait until after this Pleasant Prairie race (this weekend!!) and then get some to break in before Chicago. I don't want to spend the $134 it's going to cost though. Ridiculous.

I never should have said anything about the weather. Humidity has graced us with its presence. It's okay, I am enjoying the heat.. anything is better than winter. I will reserve my complaints for frigid temps (if I ever have to see them again).

....

I would be lying if I said my foot doesn't hurt sometimes.

I don't understand the way my energy levels work. It seems like when I should have tons of energy, I can barely move. And when I should be utterly exhausted I get several really good workouts in. It never makes sense.

11 days until Pleasant Prairie. I don't feel confident at all. The run terrifies me the most at this point. I know I can run six miles, and I know I can do it outside. But I know I can't do it quickly and I haven't been successful in doing it straight off the bike, either. So we'll see. Also, I haven't swam a mile STRAIGHT in the lake yet this summer, though I go significantly more than a mile in the pool very often. I hate going back and forth from lake to pool; it's just so insanely different and I feel like I waste the first half of the workout just getting re-acclimated. I am glad I am doing this before Chicago, though, I just wish it were four weeks away and Chicago were six weeks away. O well. I think that no matter how prepared I actually am, I will always feel unprepared.

Buck

Can we discuss the fact that it is August 2nd (almost 3rd) and it's been in the 70s-80s with minimal humidity and overall awesome-ness?! I LOVE THIS WEATHER and am insanely grateful for it. Although, I must admit, I feel like it's well deserved after six months of arctic agony.

Last week I worked out a lot comparatively to what I've been doing all summer. Admittedly I didn't quite make EVERY scheduled workout that I'd planned, but overall it was an okay week. One day I swam just under 2 miles in the morning then biked home to go on a 42 mile bike, then a 6 mile run. Unfortunately during the bike mother nature made her monthly visit and brought crazy cramps with, so my planned 6 mile run turned into a 4 mile shuffle. This is upsetting for two reasons: 1) My workout turned mediocre, 2) I did this workout exactly 1 month before the Chicago triathlon. If mother nature shows up during the race like she did during this workout, I will be very upset!

-Noteworthy things:
*While on a long bike through forest preserve I was zoning out completely and then suddenly realized there was a buck in the middle of the path like fifteen feet in front of me. "OH BUCK!" I shouted (play on words to avoid expletives...? maybe) and fortunately that startled the darn thing enough that I didn't die and more importantly damage my bike in a collision. I am living in a cement jungle, but the wildlife is not far away-- there are even rabbits hopping around this city, it really blows my mind.
*On that same ride when I was on my way back from the trail, I DEFINITELY got stuck IN a Jewish funeral procession. How do I know it was Jewish? The hearse said "Jewish Funerals" on the side. It was the longest procession ever. But I just rode along with. I hope that wasn't rude. Whoops.
*I went to a spinning class led by a man named Don. He is definitely in his late 40s/early 50s and had the personality of Niles Krane from Frasier. He wore a sickly tight tank top (not like the uber sporty and cool ones people wear... more like the complete opposite of sporty and cool) and had several gold chains around his neck and an earring in his left ear. His shorts were spandex and he had tall bike socks and his hair was in a semi-mohawk. He was quite the character. I wasn't a fan of his workout. He made us do climbs for two songs then we'd do one song of pseudo-sprints, then back to a standing climb for 8 minutes. I actually like climbing but value the variety of a good spin workout. The clincher was the fact that like 2-3 minutes into the eternal climbs, he'd say "Don't forget to breeeeeeeathe people!" and he sounded like he had a stuffy nose (but I have a feeling that's how his voice always is..) and it was just comical, I'm not going to lie. If I haven't been breathing for the first two minutes of a standing climb, chances are I'm going to be ...dead by then.

Anyways, I really hope to keep some of the momentum that I had last week as I go into this week. We'll see!

I signed up for a triathlon on August 16th in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin. What can go wrong in a place called Pleasant Prairie?! I just can't go into the Chicago race with the mentality left over from the last race. This will be an Olympic Distance which is very nerve wracking, but it will be a good opportunity to practice before the Chicago race at the end of August. I'm nervous but a little excited, too. I want/need to get my bike tuned up. I'm trying to decide if I should do it before this race or the next one. It'll probably end up being a matter of when it's most convenient.

Neon Purple Fruit Flies ...and pictures.

I haven't been sleeping well. This is really a stronger statement than it may come off as. I never have trouble sleeping. Ever. On the contrary I have trouble staying awake. However, my apartment is infested with fruit flies. Perhaps they are the biggest thing I hate about summer. They're in the kitchen, living room, bathroom, and even my bedroom which I cleaned-- laundry and all, but they won't go away. Swarms. And it's DISGUSTING. I sleep with my mouth open and I am paralyzed with fear that they will fly in my mouth! I have DREAMT about them hovering over my bed (they were neon purple in my dream... what does that mean?!), and I wake up hourly in a panic as I realize that I have shed my protective blanket while half-sleeping.

All this is to say that I'm really tired. More so than usual. And it's upsetting because since most of the activities I pursue aren't scheduled, most of them don't get done or don't get done until super late when I realize how I've piddled a day a way and get so mad that I finally have energy to move.

Here are pictures from the worst triathlon EVER:

8/11/09 EDIT: Some copyright clown got their knickers in a knot that I took a picture of the picture on my computer screen to obtain the race photos, so those are no longer posted. The last thing I need is to be thrown in jail-- or worse-- thrown a huge fine for a copyright violation. Gotta love the Negative Nancy's of the world. For the love of pete.

...

When I went to sign up for the triathlon I was considering for this weekend, registration was closed. Irritating, but probably good seeing as how registration is $90, then getting a car would be over $100. Through my job I joined Zipcar. Being an employee gets me out of the application and annual fee. It's still not cheap hour-by-hour or for the day, but it rules out gas, a lot of taxes, and underage fees that come with traditional car rentals.

I ran after work on Thursday. We went to the lakeshore trail and on our way back, we saw Obama and his entourage coming up Lakeshore Drive and then take off in one of FIVE helicopters! It was kind of ridiculous. The hospital I work for is getting ready to move in 2012 and a big issue is that the neighborhood where its moving doesn't want a helipad because of noise and safety concerns. It seemed ironic that Obama parades in with five stinkin' huge helicopters the same night that the hearing for Children's started. HA. What can ya do. It was kinda cool to watch, though. Definitely seemed like a movie or something. It made me glad we ran-- we both left late from work (~8:30) so we weren't thrilled to be running after a long day and having to return bright and early the next morning. So this little bit of excitement was appreciated.

Nothing exciting to report. I think I'm going to need new running shoes before the big race at the end of August. This is good because it means I've been running... bad because they're expensive. We'll see.

I'm still bitter about last weekend-- unreasonably so. I granted myself 24 hours for a pity party and that has passed... by far. So I should really snap out of it. So much easier said than done. I've drawn up a rigorous training plan for the upcoming week and am dreading it but excited to make it happen. Send energizing vibes, it's a doosey.

Choose Your Own Title

Several titles for this post come to mind...

"Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater"
"Winner!! ... PSYCH!"
"The First Female is Approaching Mile 1..."
"'We've been tracking her the whole race!' (but will wait until 9pm to tell her she's DQ'd)"
...etc.

So this race on Sunday. Lordy. My stomach is still knotted over it so bear with me.
The morning started in the middle of the night, awesome-- it's fine, I'm a morning person and like getting up early. I got going and arrived a little later than I wanted, but thanks to my uber cushy time cushion, I was totally fine.
From the very get go, the race announcer was shouting into the microphone how AWFUL the bike course was. Who hired this clown? I thought as I listened to his warnings: "This is the worst I've seen it, folks-- TAKE IT EASY-- it's not the place to win the race." HELLOOOOO the bike like is the longest part of the race-- you can't tell anyone to take it easy. Seriously, for the couple of hours before the race that's like all he would talk about. Even as we stood waist deep in the 58 degree water (thank the LORD for wetsuits..)waiting to start, the last thing he said before the start horn was 'Seriously, ladies, take it easy on that bike.' I scoffed to express my disbelief at this joker who wouldn't give it a rest. It couldn't be THAT bad if they made it part of the race course.
So we swam. Holy canoli-- 58 degrees is very cold. I usually hyperventilate at the beginning of the swim because of the chaos it entails with other thrashing bodies. However, I'm pretty sure I went into shock as I plunged into the arctic pit and started kicking and flapping my way through the masses. For the first hundred yards I couldn't put my face in the water and definitely was doing a glorified dog paddle. Fortunately I wasn't alone in my pathetic-ness. It seemed that everyone was taken aback at the frigid waters. Once the swim thinned out a little and I numbed up, I used the cold to my advantage to go faster to get the heck out of the water. I had a professor in college that was from the city where the race was (Waukegan), and she always was telling us about how the lake was toxic there for this reason and that. So that's all I could think about whilst in the water-- GET OUT OF HERE!

Out of the water on towards the bike. Once I got back to my spot in transition, there were three other girls parked right in front of my bike. I still couldn't breathe-- so huffing and puffing I decided to charade the fact they were in my way as I tried to wheeze out the message that I needed them to move. They were taking their sweet time-- they SAT DOWN, were changing their clothes, drying their feet... all perfectly reasonable things if you aren't IN A RACE. Honestly. They looked at me like I was on drugs and shuffled out of my way. Flustered, I donned my helmet and bike shoes and was off. I love my bike.

So the clown that was crying about the bike course-- he was right and I take back every negative vibe I sent him because his warnings were totally justified. It was the worst bike course of my entire life. (...which really doesn't say much because I'm not a big biker outside of commuting and the occasional 'training' ride that I do more out of obligation than anything since I bought the fancy bike...) But it was bad. Pot holes, poor paving, cracks, craters, danger danger danger. I saw SEVERAL people trying to fix their flat tires and was SO nervous that I'd get a flat! I'm honestly surprised that I escaped without one. The bike course consisted of a short distance 'out' then two laps on straight away (old highway or something??) then the short distance back to transition. I enjoy the bike because I can go fast and it isn't AS taxing as the run. Don't get me wrong, my quads are definitely burning during the bike and you can hear me breathing a mile away-- but for some reason it seems better. As I finished my second lap, the volunteers that were SHOUTING in megaphones really REALLY screwed me up. When you approach this point you can go two ways-- to the left if you've only done one lap (to start your second), or to the right to finish the bike leg (if you've done your two). I knew I'd done my two. As much as I love the bike, my legs were feeling it and I was ready to use some different muscles. One particular volunteer shouted into her megaphone "YOU MUST MAKE THIS TURN TWICE! THIS IS A TWOOOO LAP COURSE!" This was puzzling to me. You only had to make THAT turn once-- when you finished your first lap, you made the turn and did your second. If someone did that turn twice, they would have done three laps and that is a poor race strategy. I called out to the lady, "if I've already done this turn am I done?" And she pointed her megaphone at me (I was like 3 feet from her by now) and she said "YOU MUST MAKE THIS TURN TWICE! THIS IS A TWOOOO LAP COURSE!" IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE IN THE RACE THAT IS A PERSONAL PROBLEM!" Really? Who are these people? I swore at her under my breath and was frustrated. I didn't want to be a cheater, so I pulled over and asked a different volunteer just to make sure-- he said "YES, if you've made this turn once, you've done two laps, get back to transition!" In a very gung-ho-enthusiastic-go-get-em way. So I went and got 'em.

I got back to transition (barely-- seriously--fancy pants bike took a beating...) I got into my running shoes, drank some Gatorade (which I still refuse to drink WHILE biking due to extreme fear of crashing) and started running. My legs felt better this time than last. Woohoo. Sure they weren't powerhouses or engines... but they were like... limp noodles that have been left out for a long time so they're a little stiffer. ... hahaaha o man. Anyways, as I started the run, I noticed a woman on a bike in front of me. Oh man, she's confused. I didn't think too much of it though, I just needed to pound out these four miles and get some gatorade-- I was thirsty. As I ran I got closer to her and recognized her from Team in Training-- she was the 'main lady' who did all the communication and organizing. So I talked with her (more like wheezed at and sweated on) a little bit and she said "you're the first female on the course-- we'll be hanging out." Apparently she was a race official and her job was to lead the first female so they could 'track' her (me?). When she said I was first I replied with "no I'm not." How absurd. I am contently average. I am a participant not a winner. C'mon. Don't toy with me. I realized she was serious when I heard her say into a walkie talkie "the first female is approaching mile one." WTF. Craaaaazy. There were some seriously B-A looking females at this race.. no WAY was I first. I laughed it off thinking "they're making a big mistake" but just kept running. People that were cheering were like "THE FIRST GIRL!! WOOHOO!!!" It was crazy! I got to the halfway point and turned around (it was an out and back course). About seven minutes after turning around I saw another girl. I hadn't realized it but up until this point I was surrounded by men (FINALLY in life-- shoot!). Then I started to realize that I actually was the first girl on the course. I knew that my wave was the first female wave to go, so it was almost fathomable. Maybe there'd been a big bike crash and all the other women were unable to continue. At like mile 3.5, some lady who I'd passed earlier in the race (..at like a half mile) saw me round the corner and said "THERE'S OUR GIRL! SHE CAME!" For a second I was like "...mom?" Who says "our" girl if they're not your family? This woman, apparently. People treat you better when they think you're awesome, I suppose. Her remarks made me laugh out loud and helped carry me to the finish line. I WAS wheezing at this point-- very audibly and as people cheered when I went by they also furrowed their brows undoubtedly wondering "...is she going to make it?" I rounded the last corner and saw the finish line. "AND HERE SHE COMES, OUR FIRST FEMALE, WE'VE BEEN TRACKING HER THE WHOLE COURSE... KRISTIN OOOOOOURRRADAAAAA!!!" Holy shit! PINCH ME I AM SERIOUSLY DREAMING...and probably oversleeping and missing the race.. People were cheering SO LOUD-- like what you see on TV. For me. How could this be possible?? AVERAGE. Content with average. Working towards being consistently average as opposed to crippled. There was a big ribbon-- and they were holding it for me to run through. I might as well have fainted because the rest is quite a blur. I was so excited, and so confused. I really didn't believe it.

So as I walked down the finish chute, people were saying congratulations and good work and it was crazy. I was shocked.

I waited to watch my friend finish, then we went back to get our stuff from transition. I still didn't really believe it, but we went to the awards ceremony. Lo and behold, they called my name for the overall female winner. By one minute and a couple of seconds. Whaaaaat?! I got a sweet backpack (it's pink though... hmm), a hat, and a 1st place medal. I don't think I've ever gotten a first place medal. I did get a third place one for a soccer tournament in like... 4th grade, but ever since it's been a participation trophy or something lame. I was so stinkin' excited.

I called my parents, texted a lot of people and posted the news on facebook. I celebrated with a trip to Costco (I had a car afterall), and kicked my feet up for the afternoon, trying to wrap my head around it all...

Before I went to bed, I checked my email one last time, only to find terrible news there. Apparently, I had been disqualified therefore I was not a winner, in fact they think I'm a cheater and therefore a giant LOSER. Remember in the bike when I pulled over to make sure I wasn't being a cheater? When I pulled back on to the bike, I missed the timing mat that one needs to cross in order to indicate the second lap has been completed. So it looks to the officials that I only did one lap and that is severely frowned upon. What a buzz kill. I read that email and vomited.
Winning was such a high high and then reading that I got DQd was like an INSTANT launch to a low low. Honestly it's like a physiological response-- how disappointing. How embarrassing.

Honestly, I'm kind of annoyed. If they were 'tracking me the whole race' don't they know I did two laps? AND even if not crossing the mat is the unforgivable sin of triathlons, wouldn't they have figured that out BEFORE the awards ceremony that happened like a good hour and a half after I finished?? Seriously, all the hype and excitement was apparently undeserved and I'm embarrassed! Also-- I feel badly for whoever was 'rightfully' first place. I kinda stole her thunder and that was NEVER my intention. I think it's just more embarassing than anything. I'd rather trip and fall on every run I ever do in my life than have had this happen. Shoot.

Perhaps the most humbling part is when they said "please return the medal to this address at your earliest convenience." Ugh. Medals are medals and really mean jack, but for some reason that hurt.

Needless to say ever since Sunday night I have been less than a barrel of laughs. I have been quite the beyotch if we're going to be honest. I have avoided communication with most people at all costs and limited my activity to the gym and wallowing in self pity and distracting myself by watching old episodes of Felicity online. Talk about a low low! HA!

All of Monday I thought 'this is stupid, I don't want to do anymore triathlons.' I tasted what it was like to be good and I liked it. I didn't/don't really want to go back to being average. Tuesday I was apathetic about everything including my future pursuit of triathlons: 'I may do more, I may not. Don't know, don't care.' Today I found one that is happening on Sunday (the 26th) and want to do it just to get this disgusting taste out of my mouth regarding the sport.

Practically speaking, I know I'm not going to win a race again-- this shenanigan was pretty random and lucky while it lasted and it's insanely unfortunate that it ended the way it did. After every other triathlon I've done before this one (haha... both of them...), I've been consumed with a NEED to do another one as soon as possible. But after this Sunday, I seem to have lost some enthusiasm. I'm optimistic that it will return once I race again, but am discouraged regardless.

In good news, I got to keep the backpack and the hat. Haha, suckers.

Disgustingly long post-- but it needed to be done. My parents probably think I've flown off the deep end and become catatonic so if anything this will let them know that I'm alive and slowly coming back to life. They know how much of a sore loser I am.